Appointments, Appointments, and More Appointments...

10.18.2013
I can say one thing about the preparation for weight loss surgery, it has helped me overcome my fear about going to see the doctor.

Going to the doctor used to always be a fear of mine.  Not only because I knew they were going to comment on my weight, but also because I was intensely afraid that whatever ailment I had was going to be something much worse that it really was like some incurable disease or Cancer.  I'll chalk that up to my anxiety more than anything else, cause that lovely ailment makes mountains out of ant piles on a daily basis. However, now that I have had so many doctor visits in preparation for my Gastric Bypass surgery (not to mention a rectal surgery procedure in July), I have become quite comfortable with going to see the doctor.  It's almost like going to visit an old friend, except my friends and I usually don't discuss my medical history.  (Sidebar: Maybe we should feel more free to discuss our medical issues with people close to us. It might make it easier to tell the doctor who is the person who really should know, but most people are not as honest as they should be with their doctors. But, this is another blog post waiting to happen!)  

My point here is that if you are thinking about having weight loss surgery, be sure to consider how many doctor's appointments, nutritionist visits, and exams you will have before the surgery actually happens.  Since I made the decision to have the surgery, I have had two nutritionist visits, an exam with the surgeon, consultations with my patient care advocate, a visit with a psychologist for a psych evaluation, an appointment to have labs done and blood work, and a consultation with a sleep study doctor.  Tonight, I will be doing my sleep study to determine if I do have sleep apnea (I know I do), how severe it is and if I need a CPAP machine to sleep with.  After that, I will have a follow up appointment with the sleep study center and one more visit with the nutritionist, THEN I can schedule my surgery! My insurance is sure making me jump through a few hoops before I can get the surgery, but it's a lot better than most from what I understand.  Most providers will make you wait 3-6 months before having the surgery and make you attempt a diet supervised by a nutritionist or dietitian before they will approve coverage.  At least the practice I was referred to knocked a bunch of these visits and requirements out in one office visit.  I was at the office for about 4 and a half hours, but I got a big chunk of all these appointments done at the same time, which was very helpful considering it would have effected my pocketbook and my schedule at work.

After a couple more appointments, I should know for sure when surgery is actually happening.  Until then, I think it's safe to say it will be late November when it's done.  I'm still a little apprehensive about the surgery, but mostly excited.  I'm so ready for my life to change, ready for something different.

10.19.2013
Update: I had my sleep study last night, and it went really well actually.  I felt a bit like Frankenstien being hooked up to so many wires and monitors!  I had two bands strapped around my torso, one under my arms and across my chest, one around my belly at the waist to monitor breathing, two sensors on each leg to track for Restless Leg Syndrome, two EKG sensors on my back, a cannula shoved up my nose to monitor breathing, a heart monitor on my left index finger, and at least 15 electrodes on my face and in my hair to monitor brain patterns, eye movement, if I'm grinding my teeth, etc. After getting all hooked up, I went to sleep for a bit, but was very restless. I know I woke up a few times and had a difficult time getting comfy. I don't know what time it was, but the tech came in and hooked me up to the CPAP machine and after about 20 minutes trying to get used to breathing with it on, I passed out! I swear I was dead to the world, I never slept so good in my life!  I was sleeping on my back, which I don't think I have done in about 10 years, and breathing through my nose instead of snoring.  When they woke me up at 5:20 am, I was in the same position, I hadn't moved at all since they put the machine on. So, I think it's safe to say that I certainly have sleep apnea and I need a CPAP machine ASAP!  I'm looking forward to much more restful sleep in the future!

Emotional Past, Present, and Future

I'm sure that my emotions will be addressed a lot with this blog, but I guess this entry will serve as a little background.  My emotions always seem to be directly connected with my weight, or at least my anxiety and depression addled brain likes to tell me that's the case.  I know for sure that emotional eating is what led me to where I am today and everyday is a struggle to adjust my thought process.

As a kid in elementary school, first grade to be exact, I can remember the exact moment that, what we called teasing then, started to effect me.  It was a normal day in class and we were drawing pictures of the weather.  The teacher specifically wanted us to draw the weather that we saw that day.  I remember my clouds.  I drew them like they looked.  Not fluffy cumulonimbus clouds that every kid draws at that stage in life, but low stratus clouds that you see in the morning when the clouds are still low.  Wispy, linear clouds.  Those kind of clouds were apparently not the cool clouds that the popular kid in class deemed acceptable.  So, I got "teased" because my clouds were wrong. I was taunted and laughed at and called stupid because I had a better artistic eye than most in that class. I didn't say anything to the teacher, I never like confrontation and never liked to cause a fuss over my issues.  Right then, they saw that that they could "tease" me and get away with it.

I'm the one on the top row on the far right.  The two worst teasing offenders are in this picture too!

Other students in the class who wanted to be like the popular kids saw what they did and followed suit.  It's so easy for us to do that as kids, isn't it?  Soon after the cloud incident, other flaws were picked out and picked on.  I have always been chubby, especially around the face, and that chubbiness instantly became fat.  I wasn't fat by any means, I was a perfectly normal-sized child at my age, but what they told me had to be true, I guess I just couldn't see it, so I believed them.  What they saw me as took place of what I saw myself as.  I would go home and cry and eat to make myself feel better.  Food became my safety blanket.  Food didn't talk back to me, it didn't judge me, and it temporarily eased that ache inside.  This became a vicious cycle that stayed with me for the rest of my life.  It may not have been that bad through, elementary and middle school, but high school hit and as much as I tried to play it cool that I didn't care what other's thought about me, I did, so much.

Me in the middle with my brother and sister, my senior year of high school.

I still hid my feelings and kept eating as comfort all through high school and steadily kept gaining weight.  Now, mind you, I did try to loose weight several times.  Weight Watchers was always a good start.  I would do so well for the first few months and drop about 40-50 lbs, then something would shift, and I would self-sabotage and stop the program and gain all the weight and more back in the matter of a month or so.  All that hard work would constantly be flushed down the drain.  I tried diet pills, which was basically like speed.  I was getting everything done but I was dizzy and disoriented and crabby all the time.  Looking back on this now, I attribute all that failure to not caring enough about myself.  I would just quit and wouldn't give myself enough credit for how far I had come.  I didn't know then that I had the beginnings of anxiety and depression.  

When college began, I was already on this downward spiral, but kept pushing aside my emotions.  I would hide them under drinking and skipping classes.  God only knows how I eventually graduated with a 3.2.  I missed so many classes and was almost put on academic probation when my depression and anxiety finally caught up with me.  I didn't know what was going on with me but all of the sudden I was staying home all the time and had to drop all but one of my classes.  I don't even think my roommates at the time really knew what was going on.  Although, I did have one who seemed to understand and kept me afloat by doing ridiculously silly activities with me on a daily basis.  I honestly think she is the reason why I hung on so long, and why I didn't just give up completely.  (You know who you are! I love you so much for that and many more reasons)  After going through a few panic attacks and learning to respect myself more and listen to what my body is telling me, things started to get better.  I started talking to a therapist and eventually got on to some meds that helped regulate my crazy emotions.  

A couple years after college was done, I was working and living in Austin.  I was finally living by myself and had what I thought was a secure job.  I was doing well and was actually starting to loose some weight on my own, just by changing up what I ate and being more active.  Then out of the blue, I got sick.  Very sick.  I had H1N1 (Swine Flu) and Pneumonia all at once.  I was hospitalized and in ICU for two weeks.  I almost died.  I can tell you for a fact there was one night in the hospital bed, where I had a talk with God and said to him, "If this is my time, I'm ready.  Just let me go." I was so depressed and scared and sure I wasn't going to make it that I was ready to be done. But He said no, he told me it wasn't my time.  When I woke up the next morning, I knew for sure I had to fight.  So, I did, and I went home two days later.  When I got back to Austin, I found out I was laid off from my job.  I didn't see it coming but I had no other option but to move home to my mom's house in San Antonio. 

Shortly after I moved home, I found the most amazing thing ever.  I know now that it is what changed my life.  The Big Is Beauty Project.  I was browsing YouTube and found them through the Project Lifesize channel. I started watching videos and started relating to what the people had to say.  They knew me, they understood what I have dealt with my whole life.  I instantly felt accepted and loved, something I needed more than ever at that point.  I felt like part of something just by watching their videos.  Shortly after I started watching, a few members left, and there were auditions to fill the spots.  I didn't hesitate to make a video and submit it as soon as I could.  The viewers voted me on and ever since then it has been the best experience of my life.  These girls on the channel are my sisters and I have become such a better person because of them and their wisdom!  I have finally learned to love myself and take care of myself for once in my life.  

Now that I have learned to love myself, I have learned that I need to treat myself better.  I know that I deserve better for myself and I am finally willing to work towards that goal.  All my past failures are only reminders of how far I have come and reminders of how this time it is different.  I will not dwell on the past anymore, this is my new life and my second chance to live life the way I want to, happily and healthily. 

Here's Where It Begins

This may be the first time some of you are hearing this, or some of you may be already privy to this knowledge, but I have made the decision to have Gastric Bypass surgery.

For some of you this may be a shock and you may not approve, for others you may support my decision, the rest of you must be here because you are thinking about having or have had the same procedure done.  For the supporters, you know who you are and I can't thank you all enough for being here for me, for understanding why this choice is right for me and for your continued support on this journey.  For the disapproving, I have to say a few things:

It's my body and my choice.
I know it's not a "quick fix", or an "easy way out" because I will be working my ass off (literally).
The procedure has advanced tremendously over the past 10 years and is a lot less risky and more effective than it used to be.

Lastly, for the ones who are thinking about the surgery or have had the surgery, let me say that this blog is all about my journey and I hope that sharing the good, bad, and ugly with you will help serve as a support for you, and help answer any questions you may have about this choice.  I appreciate when people can share their experiences in an honest way to help others and I hope to do the same.

I plan on sharing everything with you guys as I go along, and I mean everything.  Everything from my emotions (which I know there will be a lot of) to what I had to eat on that particular day to what kind of exercise I am doing to get fit. This blog will basically serve as my diary throughout my journey to better health.  I hope it serves as a positive outlet for myself and as an insight for others into the process of Gastric Bypass, before and after the procedure. 

So, I hope that you all keep reading this blog and feel free to ask me any questions you may have.  I happy to help and share what I know with all of you!  

Love,
Kellie