Wooooooah I'm halfway there!!!

Actually a bit more than halfway, but who's counting (I am)!

Can I just say that this has been incredible so far? I am beyond elated that I decided to make this change in my life. Making the decision to have gastric bypass has changed my life so much and has been so rewarding in so many aspects in my life, the least of which is weight loss.  I mean, sure, that's a huge part of it, but so much more of me has changed for the better.

Let me break all this awesomeness down for you all.
1. Confidence:
I have so much more confidence in myself.  And it's not because my appearance has changed, it's because I made the decision to change my life.  The fact that I jumped this big hurdle to undergo surgery to improve my health showed me that I am so much stronger than I was a year ago.  If I can do this and get through surgery, then I can do anything.  I don't care what other people think about my life or me or how I look, because I love the choices I have made, and I love me and that's all that matters. Without those barriers of doubt, I now walk into a room proud of who I am and what I have done.  Walking onto a plane and sitting next to a skinny person who glares at me is no longer an issue. The glares just seem pathetic and kinda make me laugh to myself thinking, "if you only knew".

2. Strength:
Because I have been working out, I've got muscles that I never knew existed. I can go harder, longer, faster than I ever could before and I am amazed each time I step off the elliptical, each time I get off the ab cruncher machine, each time I wipe all the sweat off my brow, that I DID that! It makes me want to do more and I never thought I'd be that person.

3. Control:
I had no idea going into this how much more control over my life I would have.  I feel like just in changing my daily routine, with diet, exercise and medications, that I would end up feeling in control of everything else, especially my emotions.  It seems as though once I got control over what I was eating, other things started falling into place.  Before I had my surgery, I would binge eat out of control, and it was usually when my emotions were at their worst.  If my depression was on high alert, it was a whole large pizza, and bread sticks, and a 2 liter of soda, and probably some ice cream... Now that I my stomach won't let me over eat, I control how much I put into my body. By having control over that, I feel like I have learned moderation, and can moderate my emotions better.  As a matter of fact, I have been off my anti-depressants since a month after my surgery, and haven't had a single panic attack in 6 months.  I can't even tell you how relieved this makes me feel.

I just can't believe how much has changed in the last 6 months, and I can't wait for more changes. This is the best decision I have ever made in my life.  EVER!

Start Weight: 451 lbs.
Weight at Surgery 12/10/13: 428 lbs.
Current Weight: 293 lbs.
Total Weight Lost: 158 lbs.
Current Mood: Happy

1st Milestone Reached...

I haven't written in while, but it's mainly because I was going through a couple crazy weeks.  I was dealing with a two week long plateau that was driving me crazy! I know in a major weight loss journey I will hit plateaus a few times, but being aware doesn't mean it's any easier to deal with. You doubt your ability, you question everything that you eat, you wonder if you are getting enough exercise, and you are just downright frustrated.  Being on the other side of it now, of course it all seem so silly because...

As of this morning, at 8:00 am, I officially reached my first milestone! I have dropped 101 lbs!!! WHAT?!?!?! 101. Freaking. Pounds. I cannot begin to say how elated I am, and how proud of myself I am at this moment! It especially feels good after coming off a two week plateau!

I know this is the first major milestone in this journey and it makes me even more excited about the prospect of the next one. Of course it hasn't been easy.  Adjusting to trying food all over again, and trying to understand this new stomach and body are the hardest things.  It's still difficult to remind myself to slow down when I am eating, my stomach surely lets me know, but my brain is still making me think I have to eat as fast as I can. I look in the mirror most days and don't see a change at all, I still see the same body I had in the beginning, and then other mornings I can see how loose my clothes fit and see how much slimmer my face is. I still wake up mornings and feel like I'm a lazy slob, then I remember what I did in the gym the night before. The mental game is surely the hardest part of the whole thing, but I am making small adjustments every day, and learning that this is all so worth the effort.

So, 101 lbs. down, 160 to go, and much more work with understanding my new, healthier self!
(P.S. time to get a tattoo to commemorate!)

Start Weight: 451 lbs.
Weight at Surgery 12/10/13: 428 lbs.
Current Weight: 350 lbs.
Total Weight Lost: 101 lbs.
(soon I will put inches lost on here, but I haven't measured yet!)
Current Mood: Relieved

The Good and the Bad...

Yup, this early on I already have things to gripe about.

The Good:
The weight is coming off so fast already!! I have already dropped 20 lbs since surgery day! It's been effortless so far.  I am hardly ever hungry, and when I am, I can only eat about 5 bites of something before I feel like I am stuffed like a Thanksgiving turkey. Right now I'm on the soft/mushy foods, so cottage cheese, refried beans, and canned tuna are on my menu right now.  My clothes are fitting a lot looser and are much more comfortable, I don't feel like I am stuffed into a sausage casing anymore.  I'm starting to feel a lot better.  I came back to work yesterday and I made it through the whole day, but I was exhausted by the time I got home.  Everyday I feel better and a little more energy comes back.  I had a post-op check up with the Dr. and said everything is great and I am doing everything right.

The Bad:
The back handed compliments have begun.  I'm not sure most people really have enough tact to talk to a person who has struggled with weight and body image issues all their lives. From some people, some close to me and some that hardly know me, have said the following, "You'll be so pretty when you get to your goal weight.", "You're going to be so hot!", "You're going to get all the guys now!"  SERIOUSLY?! How much more insulting can that get? You're basically telling me I'm not hot, or pretty, and I couldn't get a man if my life depended on it! One of these comments came from my well-meaning grandmother, and I had to ask her politely not to say that to me anymore because it hurts me.  I am hot, I am pretty, and I can get a man just fine (I just don't want the ones that I've gotten, lol). I am perfectly happy with myself now.  This decision was not about being pretty, it's about being being healthy, and being able to do the things that I can't with all this weight holding me down. Yes, my thinner appearnce will be a plus, but that's not what makes me beautiful. Just a word of advice to people out there, please don't say stuff like this to people.  Everyone, EVERYONE, is beautiful. Even though they may not be your particular "cup of tea", they are still beautiful to someone, or to themselves, or both. Don't demean their opinions of themselves by telling them they will be beautiful if _____.  It's insulting and it's hurtful.  I know that the people who have said this to me didn't mean harm, but it was hurtful.  Please just take a moment to think about what you say before it comes out of your mouth!

Emotional Past, Present, and Future

I'm sure that my emotions will be addressed a lot with this blog, but I guess this entry will serve as a little background.  My emotions always seem to be directly connected with my weight, or at least my anxiety and depression addled brain likes to tell me that's the case.  I know for sure that emotional eating is what led me to where I am today and everyday is a struggle to adjust my thought process.

As a kid in elementary school, first grade to be exact, I can remember the exact moment that, what we called teasing then, started to effect me.  It was a normal day in class and we were drawing pictures of the weather.  The teacher specifically wanted us to draw the weather that we saw that day.  I remember my clouds.  I drew them like they looked.  Not fluffy cumulonimbus clouds that every kid draws at that stage in life, but low stratus clouds that you see in the morning when the clouds are still low.  Wispy, linear clouds.  Those kind of clouds were apparently not the cool clouds that the popular kid in class deemed acceptable.  So, I got "teased" because my clouds were wrong. I was taunted and laughed at and called stupid because I had a better artistic eye than most in that class. I didn't say anything to the teacher, I never like confrontation and never liked to cause a fuss over my issues.  Right then, they saw that that they could "tease" me and get away with it.

I'm the one on the top row on the far right.  The two worst teasing offenders are in this picture too!

Other students in the class who wanted to be like the popular kids saw what they did and followed suit.  It's so easy for us to do that as kids, isn't it?  Soon after the cloud incident, other flaws were picked out and picked on.  I have always been chubby, especially around the face, and that chubbiness instantly became fat.  I wasn't fat by any means, I was a perfectly normal-sized child at my age, but what they told me had to be true, I guess I just couldn't see it, so I believed them.  What they saw me as took place of what I saw myself as.  I would go home and cry and eat to make myself feel better.  Food became my safety blanket.  Food didn't talk back to me, it didn't judge me, and it temporarily eased that ache inside.  This became a vicious cycle that stayed with me for the rest of my life.  It may not have been that bad through, elementary and middle school, but high school hit and as much as I tried to play it cool that I didn't care what other's thought about me, I did, so much.

Me in the middle with my brother and sister, my senior year of high school.

I still hid my feelings and kept eating as comfort all through high school and steadily kept gaining weight.  Now, mind you, I did try to loose weight several times.  Weight Watchers was always a good start.  I would do so well for the first few months and drop about 40-50 lbs, then something would shift, and I would self-sabotage and stop the program and gain all the weight and more back in the matter of a month or so.  All that hard work would constantly be flushed down the drain.  I tried diet pills, which was basically like speed.  I was getting everything done but I was dizzy and disoriented and crabby all the time.  Looking back on this now, I attribute all that failure to not caring enough about myself.  I would just quit and wouldn't give myself enough credit for how far I had come.  I didn't know then that I had the beginnings of anxiety and depression.  

When college began, I was already on this downward spiral, but kept pushing aside my emotions.  I would hide them under drinking and skipping classes.  God only knows how I eventually graduated with a 3.2.  I missed so many classes and was almost put on academic probation when my depression and anxiety finally caught up with me.  I didn't know what was going on with me but all of the sudden I was staying home all the time and had to drop all but one of my classes.  I don't even think my roommates at the time really knew what was going on.  Although, I did have one who seemed to understand and kept me afloat by doing ridiculously silly activities with me on a daily basis.  I honestly think she is the reason why I hung on so long, and why I didn't just give up completely.  (You know who you are! I love you so much for that and many more reasons)  After going through a few panic attacks and learning to respect myself more and listen to what my body is telling me, things started to get better.  I started talking to a therapist and eventually got on to some meds that helped regulate my crazy emotions.  

A couple years after college was done, I was working and living in Austin.  I was finally living by myself and had what I thought was a secure job.  I was doing well and was actually starting to loose some weight on my own, just by changing up what I ate and being more active.  Then out of the blue, I got sick.  Very sick.  I had H1N1 (Swine Flu) and Pneumonia all at once.  I was hospitalized and in ICU for two weeks.  I almost died.  I can tell you for a fact there was one night in the hospital bed, where I had a talk with God and said to him, "If this is my time, I'm ready.  Just let me go." I was so depressed and scared and sure I wasn't going to make it that I was ready to be done. But He said no, he told me it wasn't my time.  When I woke up the next morning, I knew for sure I had to fight.  So, I did, and I went home two days later.  When I got back to Austin, I found out I was laid off from my job.  I didn't see it coming but I had no other option but to move home to my mom's house in San Antonio. 

Shortly after I moved home, I found the most amazing thing ever.  I know now that it is what changed my life.  The Big Is Beauty Project.  I was browsing YouTube and found them through the Project Lifesize channel. I started watching videos and started relating to what the people had to say.  They knew me, they understood what I have dealt with my whole life.  I instantly felt accepted and loved, something I needed more than ever at that point.  I felt like part of something just by watching their videos.  Shortly after I started watching, a few members left, and there were auditions to fill the spots.  I didn't hesitate to make a video and submit it as soon as I could.  The viewers voted me on and ever since then it has been the best experience of my life.  These girls on the channel are my sisters and I have become such a better person because of them and their wisdom!  I have finally learned to love myself and take care of myself for once in my life.  

Now that I have learned to love myself, I have learned that I need to treat myself better.  I know that I deserve better for myself and I am finally willing to work towards that goal.  All my past failures are only reminders of how far I have come and reminders of how this time it is different.  I will not dwell on the past anymore, this is my new life and my second chance to live life the way I want to, happily and healthily.