Emotional Past, Present, and Future

I'm sure that my emotions will be addressed a lot with this blog, but I guess this entry will serve as a little background.  My emotions always seem to be directly connected with my weight, or at least my anxiety and depression addled brain likes to tell me that's the case.  I know for sure that emotional eating is what led me to where I am today and everyday is a struggle to adjust my thought process.

As a kid in elementary school, first grade to be exact, I can remember the exact moment that, what we called teasing then, started to effect me.  It was a normal day in class and we were drawing pictures of the weather.  The teacher specifically wanted us to draw the weather that we saw that day.  I remember my clouds.  I drew them like they looked.  Not fluffy cumulonimbus clouds that every kid draws at that stage in life, but low stratus clouds that you see in the morning when the clouds are still low.  Wispy, linear clouds.  Those kind of clouds were apparently not the cool clouds that the popular kid in class deemed acceptable.  So, I got "teased" because my clouds were wrong. I was taunted and laughed at and called stupid because I had a better artistic eye than most in that class. I didn't say anything to the teacher, I never like confrontation and never liked to cause a fuss over my issues.  Right then, they saw that that they could "tease" me and get away with it.

I'm the one on the top row on the far right.  The two worst teasing offenders are in this picture too!

Other students in the class who wanted to be like the popular kids saw what they did and followed suit.  It's so easy for us to do that as kids, isn't it?  Soon after the cloud incident, other flaws were picked out and picked on.  I have always been chubby, especially around the face, and that chubbiness instantly became fat.  I wasn't fat by any means, I was a perfectly normal-sized child at my age, but what they told me had to be true, I guess I just couldn't see it, so I believed them.  What they saw me as took place of what I saw myself as.  I would go home and cry and eat to make myself feel better.  Food became my safety blanket.  Food didn't talk back to me, it didn't judge me, and it temporarily eased that ache inside.  This became a vicious cycle that stayed with me for the rest of my life.  It may not have been that bad through, elementary and middle school, but high school hit and as much as I tried to play it cool that I didn't care what other's thought about me, I did, so much.

Me in the middle with my brother and sister, my senior year of high school.

I still hid my feelings and kept eating as comfort all through high school and steadily kept gaining weight.  Now, mind you, I did try to loose weight several times.  Weight Watchers was always a good start.  I would do so well for the first few months and drop about 40-50 lbs, then something would shift, and I would self-sabotage and stop the program and gain all the weight and more back in the matter of a month or so.  All that hard work would constantly be flushed down the drain.  I tried diet pills, which was basically like speed.  I was getting everything done but I was dizzy and disoriented and crabby all the time.  Looking back on this now, I attribute all that failure to not caring enough about myself.  I would just quit and wouldn't give myself enough credit for how far I had come.  I didn't know then that I had the beginnings of anxiety and depression.  

When college began, I was already on this downward spiral, but kept pushing aside my emotions.  I would hide them under drinking and skipping classes.  God only knows how I eventually graduated with a 3.2.  I missed so many classes and was almost put on academic probation when my depression and anxiety finally caught up with me.  I didn't know what was going on with me but all of the sudden I was staying home all the time and had to drop all but one of my classes.  I don't even think my roommates at the time really knew what was going on.  Although, I did have one who seemed to understand and kept me afloat by doing ridiculously silly activities with me on a daily basis.  I honestly think she is the reason why I hung on so long, and why I didn't just give up completely.  (You know who you are! I love you so much for that and many more reasons)  After going through a few panic attacks and learning to respect myself more and listen to what my body is telling me, things started to get better.  I started talking to a therapist and eventually got on to some meds that helped regulate my crazy emotions.  

A couple years after college was done, I was working and living in Austin.  I was finally living by myself and had what I thought was a secure job.  I was doing well and was actually starting to loose some weight on my own, just by changing up what I ate and being more active.  Then out of the blue, I got sick.  Very sick.  I had H1N1 (Swine Flu) and Pneumonia all at once.  I was hospitalized and in ICU for two weeks.  I almost died.  I can tell you for a fact there was one night in the hospital bed, where I had a talk with God and said to him, "If this is my time, I'm ready.  Just let me go." I was so depressed and scared and sure I wasn't going to make it that I was ready to be done. But He said no, he told me it wasn't my time.  When I woke up the next morning, I knew for sure I had to fight.  So, I did, and I went home two days later.  When I got back to Austin, I found out I was laid off from my job.  I didn't see it coming but I had no other option but to move home to my mom's house in San Antonio. 

Shortly after I moved home, I found the most amazing thing ever.  I know now that it is what changed my life.  The Big Is Beauty Project.  I was browsing YouTube and found them through the Project Lifesize channel. I started watching videos and started relating to what the people had to say.  They knew me, they understood what I have dealt with my whole life.  I instantly felt accepted and loved, something I needed more than ever at that point.  I felt like part of something just by watching their videos.  Shortly after I started watching, a few members left, and there were auditions to fill the spots.  I didn't hesitate to make a video and submit it as soon as I could.  The viewers voted me on and ever since then it has been the best experience of my life.  These girls on the channel are my sisters and I have become such a better person because of them and their wisdom!  I have finally learned to love myself and take care of myself for once in my life.  

Now that I have learned to love myself, I have learned that I need to treat myself better.  I know that I deserve better for myself and I am finally willing to work towards that goal.  All my past failures are only reminders of how far I have come and reminders of how this time it is different.  I will not dwell on the past anymore, this is my new life and my second chance to live life the way I want to, happily and healthily.