Wooooooah I'm halfway there!!!

Actually a bit more than halfway, but who's counting (I am)!

Can I just say that this has been incredible so far? I am beyond elated that I decided to make this change in my life. Making the decision to have gastric bypass has changed my life so much and has been so rewarding in so many aspects in my life, the least of which is weight loss.  I mean, sure, that's a huge part of it, but so much more of me has changed for the better.

Let me break all this awesomeness down for you all.
1. Confidence:
I have so much more confidence in myself.  And it's not because my appearance has changed, it's because I made the decision to change my life.  The fact that I jumped this big hurdle to undergo surgery to improve my health showed me that I am so much stronger than I was a year ago.  If I can do this and get through surgery, then I can do anything.  I don't care what other people think about my life or me or how I look, because I love the choices I have made, and I love me and that's all that matters. Without those barriers of doubt, I now walk into a room proud of who I am and what I have done.  Walking onto a plane and sitting next to a skinny person who glares at me is no longer an issue. The glares just seem pathetic and kinda make me laugh to myself thinking, "if you only knew".

2. Strength:
Because I have been working out, I've got muscles that I never knew existed. I can go harder, longer, faster than I ever could before and I am amazed each time I step off the elliptical, each time I get off the ab cruncher machine, each time I wipe all the sweat off my brow, that I DID that! It makes me want to do more and I never thought I'd be that person.

3. Control:
I had no idea going into this how much more control over my life I would have.  I feel like just in changing my daily routine, with diet, exercise and medications, that I would end up feeling in control of everything else, especially my emotions.  It seems as though once I got control over what I was eating, other things started falling into place.  Before I had my surgery, I would binge eat out of control, and it was usually when my emotions were at their worst.  If my depression was on high alert, it was a whole large pizza, and bread sticks, and a 2 liter of soda, and probably some ice cream... Now that I my stomach won't let me over eat, I control how much I put into my body. By having control over that, I feel like I have learned moderation, and can moderate my emotions better.  As a matter of fact, I have been off my anti-depressants since a month after my surgery, and haven't had a single panic attack in 6 months.  I can't even tell you how relieved this makes me feel.

I just can't believe how much has changed in the last 6 months, and I can't wait for more changes. This is the best decision I have ever made in my life.  EVER!

Start Weight: 451 lbs.
Weight at Surgery 12/10/13: 428 lbs.
Current Weight: 293 lbs.
Total Weight Lost: 158 lbs.
Current Mood: Happy

Pounds Aren't All I Am Loosing

It seems when everything is going great, there has to be one thing that goes wrong. I swear it's an unwritten law of physics.  Now, I know this problem may not seem like such an issue but it's driving me batty! I knew it was going to happen too, but I still don't like it.  So what is the problem? I've been loosing my hair for 2 months now.

I have thick hair to begin with, so I'm used to hairs falling out on a daily basis anyway. I wash my hair every other day and when I wash it, I'm usually cleaning the drain. However this hair loss is ridiculous! When I wash my hair now, I'm cleaning the drain about 3 times per shower. My brush becomes a hair ball after 3 days.  When I blow dry it, I pull another handful out when I run my fingers through my hair.  It's really starting to make me panic.  I guess I just really started appreciating how nice it is to have thick hair, and I'm starting to miss it.  I know this will stop in a couple months, but it's been a couple months already and I'm tired of this.  I'm tired of having to check my clothes every 20 minutes to pick 5-10 hairs off my shoulders. Plus there's the whole prospect of when the hair grows back in.  I will have little short baby hairs of new growth all over, it's just going to be odd looking while I am trying to grow my hair out.  I suppose I will just have to cut it short when it stops failing out, but I don't wanna. :(

I'm trying my best not to panic and remind myself that this is temporary and all just a part of the journey.  It could be so much worse and I'm grateful that it isn't.  If this is the only complication I have had so far, that's fine with me.  I'll see the doctor on Tuesday and I will ask him what he thinks I should do, or if I should try other vitamins like Biotin, or protein treatment shampoos.  I'll keep you posted on how that goes!

In other news, I am about to go on a big trip to go see my Big Is Beauty Project girls! I'm going to get on a plane and fly all the way up to Missoula, Montana!  Caitlin is graduating from college and I can't wait to be there to cheer her on.  I am so proud of that woman! I'm so excited to see her and the BIBP girls that I can't hardly stand it!  I'm also very interested to see how flying feels now that I have a smaller butt to squeeze in the seats. Flying isn't much fun for me anyway, but it really isn't when you are as big as I was.  You get a lot of stares and judgmental looks, attitude from flight attendant when you ask for a seat belt extender, and the best is the terrified look from the person who was lucky enough to sit next to you. We'll see how much this has changed, or if it hasn't.

Start Weight: 451 lbs.
Weight at Surgery 12/10/13: 428 lbs.
Current Weight: 313 lbs.
Total Weight Lost: 138 lbs.
Current Mood: Frustrated

1st Milestone Reached...

I haven't written in while, but it's mainly because I was going through a couple crazy weeks.  I was dealing with a two week long plateau that was driving me crazy! I know in a major weight loss journey I will hit plateaus a few times, but being aware doesn't mean it's any easier to deal with. You doubt your ability, you question everything that you eat, you wonder if you are getting enough exercise, and you are just downright frustrated.  Being on the other side of it now, of course it all seem so silly because...

As of this morning, at 8:00 am, I officially reached my first milestone! I have dropped 101 lbs!!! WHAT?!?!?! 101. Freaking. Pounds. I cannot begin to say how elated I am, and how proud of myself I am at this moment! It especially feels good after coming off a two week plateau!

I know this is the first major milestone in this journey and it makes me even more excited about the prospect of the next one. Of course it hasn't been easy.  Adjusting to trying food all over again, and trying to understand this new stomach and body are the hardest things.  It's still difficult to remind myself to slow down when I am eating, my stomach surely lets me know, but my brain is still making me think I have to eat as fast as I can. I look in the mirror most days and don't see a change at all, I still see the same body I had in the beginning, and then other mornings I can see how loose my clothes fit and see how much slimmer my face is. I still wake up mornings and feel like I'm a lazy slob, then I remember what I did in the gym the night before. The mental game is surely the hardest part of the whole thing, but I am making small adjustments every day, and learning that this is all so worth the effort.

So, 101 lbs. down, 160 to go, and much more work with understanding my new, healthier self!
(P.S. time to get a tattoo to commemorate!)

Start Weight: 451 lbs.
Weight at Surgery 12/10/13: 428 lbs.
Current Weight: 350 lbs.
Total Weight Lost: 101 lbs.
(soon I will put inches lost on here, but I haven't measured yet!)
Current Mood: Relieved

Happy New Year!!!

So it's the beginning of the new year and I am already off to a good start!  I am so proud of myself for making the decisions I have in 2013, and am so happy to have this new chance at a new healthy life. There is so much that is already changing and I can hardly wrap my head around it.  The weight is coming off so fast, my body is changing so much already and I already feel so much better.

What I'm Eating:
Before surgery, I never thought I would be able to make it through the day without eating.  It sounded so weird and impossible to me.  I thought surely my body will need that food and calories to burn in order to have energy. In the case of most people, this is the truth.  I'm not in any way advocating not eating if you are on another weight loss journey! That is surely dangerous and will only cause you to gain more weight later.  I do eat, it's just not much right now.  I maybe eat once or twice a day and then I'm eating super small amounts. I am still on the soft foods/semi solid proteins stage right now, so I eat a lot of cheeses, canned meats (usually mixed with a light cream soup or light mayo so it goes down better), eggs, re-fried beans, and thin sliced deli meats (very well chewed). I had some browned ground beef with some cream of mushroom soup the other day that tasted sooooo good to me!  I'm really ready for week 5 when I can finally start adding other things to my diet like veggies.  I have experimented with a couple things that have not set so well.  And by not sitting well, I mean I get monster heartburn and I go and say a few prayers to the porcelain gods.  So far, pickles (which I loved before) and Wendy's chili are a no go.  I have been craving crunchy carbs (like Chex mix, and crackers) and pizza all this week and it's hard to remind my brain that I don't need them and that I am not really hungry!  The mental part of this whole thing is really the hardest struggle, the physical part, not so much.

The Physical Part:
Since surgery, my body has been through an overhaul so far, and it's letting me know it's not that happy about it right now.  I'm sure in time it will change it's mind, but until then I've been putting up with some not so pleasant issues.  The first thing that happened, started even a week before surgery when I had lost 20 lbs already. My outside of my right thigh started to go numb.  At night when I would lay down for bed it would stop being numb and burn like crazy.  I have since found out from the Physician's Assistant that it is a lovely condition called Meralgia Paresthetica.  It's where your femoral/lower abdominal nerve is pinched by pressure.  Apparently, my lower stomach (pannus) is pressing on that nerve more as I lose weight and it's causing the nerve to act up.  I can handle it most of the time, because most of the time it just makes my leg numb, but every once in a while it will start shooting pains through my leg, and will just feel very uncomfortable when I'm laying down to go to sleep.  It should pass soon, maybe in the next couple months, but in the meantime it sucks. The second lovely issue, has been a muscle that's been acting up on the lower left side of my abdomen.  It's been going on for two whole weeks now, and is driving me batty! At first I was concerned that it might be a hernia considering that hernias are very common after weight loss surgery, but now that it's FINALLY starting to get better, I'm sure it was just a bad muscle strain from trying to move around without effecting my incisions, but it hurts like a mother sometimes!  It hurts when I am sitting up, it hurts when I lay a certain way in bed (which happens to be my favorite way to lay in bed), and it hurts when I bend over.  Today is actually the first day it has felt better since it started.  The pain is pretty mild so hopefully that's a sign that it's on the mend.

Getting Physical:
As far as the exercise I have been doing, I have only just gotten started as of the 1st of January.  I got outside on New Years Day and walked 1.7 miles.  I can't tell you the last time I walked that far!  I don't think my body remembers either because my legs were crying by the end of it! However, my back, which used to hurt on a near daily basis, didn't hurt at all!  The weight I have lost so far helped so much, and I can already stand up straighter. Since that walk I have walked once more for another 1.7 miles and it didn't hurt as much that time.  Today, I actually joined a gym (Planet Fitness) and I am going tonight to work out!  I know if I am paying for it, I am going to make more of an effort to go at least 5 days a week.  I also got some new trainers and a gym bag for motivation (the money I save on food is paying for other cool stuff). Tonight I'm just going to focus on getting some time in on the treadmill and maybe the elliptical (15 minutes each), just to get myself started.  If I have any fitness buff friends out there that want to join me (I'll be going to the PF on 410 and McCullough across from North Star Mall), or if you have any advice on what kinds of workouts I can do, please let me know!

I've decided that I am going to add my stats at the end of my blogs from now on.  It's something I have struggled with in the past, because I didn't want people to know my weight, but I'm trying to come to terms with that and just get over it basically.  So, I'm going to start sharing it with you all.

Start Weight: 451 lbs.
Weight at Surgery 12/10/13: 428 lbs.
Current Weight: 388 lbs.
Total Weight Lost: 63 lbs.
(soon I will put inches lost on here, but I haven't measured yet!)
Current Mood: Motivated

The Good and the Bad...

Yup, this early on I already have things to gripe about.

The Good:
The weight is coming off so fast already!! I have already dropped 20 lbs since surgery day! It's been effortless so far.  I am hardly ever hungry, and when I am, I can only eat about 5 bites of something before I feel like I am stuffed like a Thanksgiving turkey. Right now I'm on the soft/mushy foods, so cottage cheese, refried beans, and canned tuna are on my menu right now.  My clothes are fitting a lot looser and are much more comfortable, I don't feel like I am stuffed into a sausage casing anymore.  I'm starting to feel a lot better.  I came back to work yesterday and I made it through the whole day, but I was exhausted by the time I got home.  Everyday I feel better and a little more energy comes back.  I had a post-op check up with the Dr. and said everything is great and I am doing everything right.

The Bad:
The back handed compliments have begun.  I'm not sure most people really have enough tact to talk to a person who has struggled with weight and body image issues all their lives. From some people, some close to me and some that hardly know me, have said the following, "You'll be so pretty when you get to your goal weight.", "You're going to be so hot!", "You're going to get all the guys now!"  SERIOUSLY?! How much more insulting can that get? You're basically telling me I'm not hot, or pretty, and I couldn't get a man if my life depended on it! One of these comments came from my well-meaning grandmother, and I had to ask her politely not to say that to me anymore because it hurts me.  I am hot, I am pretty, and I can get a man just fine (I just don't want the ones that I've gotten, lol). I am perfectly happy with myself now.  This decision was not about being pretty, it's about being being healthy, and being able to do the things that I can't with all this weight holding me down. Yes, my thinner appearnce will be a plus, but that's not what makes me beautiful. Just a word of advice to people out there, please don't say stuff like this to people.  Everyone, EVERYONE, is beautiful. Even though they may not be your particular "cup of tea", they are still beautiful to someone, or to themselves, or both. Don't demean their opinions of themselves by telling them they will be beautiful if _____.  It's insulting and it's hurtful.  I know that the people who have said this to me didn't mean harm, but it was hurtful.  Please just take a moment to think about what you say before it comes out of your mouth!

Being on the other side...

Surgery was two days ago, and I'm feeling pretty good so far.  Aside from some stinging pain in my lower left abdomen (the incision where they put the stapler in) and pressure from gas, I am not really hurting so bad. You never realize how much you use your stomach muscles until it hurts to use them!  Getting up and getting around is not so bad.  I have nice binder (think about a giant Ace bandage for your tummy) wrapped around me that keeps me from giggling around like Santa, and keeps the pain at bay.  Pain killers are amazing too!  I've been on a hydrocodone/acetaminophen elixir cocktail that makes me feel great (if not a little drunk)!  For the gas, I've been walking around a bit to move it around, and sorry of this grosses you out, but farting and burping are my best friends right now.  At least they don't stink cause I haven't eaten anything.  This side of surgery is already becoming a whole new world for me!

The strangest thing is my hunger.  I haven't eaten anything in three whole days, and I'm not hungry at all!!!  It's a whole new way of thinking that I am so not used to.  All I can handle right now is fluids, fluids, fluids.  I can't chug down a glass of ice water like I used to, I can only sip all day. So, getting the full 64 oz of fluids a day is surely a challenge, but I'm making it.  I ate a grape sugar free Popsicle tonight and after the twenty minutes it took me to eat it, I felt like I had eaten a whole feast.  I was full from a Popsicle!!!!  My surgeon told me I may feel this way for up to 3 weeks, but just to go with it because as long as I take my vitamins, I'm okay.

The day of surgery was an emotional one.  I was nervous about the actual procedure and being under anesthesia.  I know I did fine in my last surgery, but I was still concerned.  I mean when they ask you if you have a will or a medical directive, you are instantly reminded that you have a chance (although it is small) that you will die on the operating table.  While I was getting prepped, I had an unexpected visitor, my colon surgeon, Dr. Izfar, who preformed my fisulotomy back in July.  She saw my name on the surgery board when she came in to do surgery on someone else and popped in to say hello.  It caught me off guard, but I was so happy to see her.  She told me that she really cared for me and wanted make sure everything was going okay, and to wish me luck on my new journey.  I cried a bit cause I was very touched, no doctor I have ever had has ever cared that much.  After she left, the anesthesiologist came in to start my "margarita" as he called it and they wheeled me back to the operating room, scooted me onto the table, and after that I woke up in the recovery room.  I was in quite a bit of pain, but they pumped me full of morphine and took me to my room where I would stay the night.  My mom was there and I kept drifting in and out.  Eventually I woke up more, got up to pee and walk a little.  My sister and niece came by to see me and the nurse gave me more pain meds, and I started to drift off again. So mom, sissy, and Kylie, took off and I went on to sleep.  This was the pattern I kept with until about 2:30 yesterday, pain meds, sleep, walking.  Being home with mom feels great, I really hate being in hospitals and feel like I have more freedom to do more here without being bugged every 3 hours for vitals.

All in all, there are no regrets so far, and I am in good spirits!!  I want to thank you all for your prayers, good vibes and support through this so far.  I've been reminded this week how many people care for me and it makes me feel so wonderful.  Sometimes we forget that people care, so I was very happy to be reminded and feel all that love from all of you!  If you ever need my support, you have it guaranteed!!

It's finally here...

It's officially the eve of my surgery day!!!

 I don't even know what to say at this point.  I am such a huge ball of emotions that it's not even funny.  I'm surprisingly keeping it together though.  I think at this point I have gotten past most of my nervousness and fear of surgery, said good bye to the bad food, and am starting to say hello to the healthy life ahead of me.  The emotions that I am feeling right now are mainly excitement and elation that this is FINALLY happening, that I am finally on a path that is going to change my life forever.  I know this is not a fix-all and that I am going to have to work really hard to stay on track, but I'm pretty sure I am in the right mindset at this point.

I will admit, I had a little bit of a breakdown last Saturday night, and had to have my mom talk me down.  I had all these thoughts about "what if" that were driving me crazy.  I was scared about my last appointment with the surgeon, that I wouldn't have lost the last few pounds I needed to lose before surgery, that if I hadn't they would cancel the surgery and I'd have to wait til next year and pay my whole deductible again.  I was scared that I had made the wrong decision and I was making a ginormous mistake doing this to my body. I was scared that surgery would go badly and I would die. (Thank you Anxiety for those lovely thoughts!) But, my mom helped me re-focus my thoughts and remember that God is beside me all the way and He will take care of me and my worries.  And He did! (Oh man, He did!)  On Sunday, I went to church and cried my way through the whole service, because every word felt like it was directed right to me.  God was surely sending me a clear message to let go and let Him take care of everything, that I am going to be just fine under His watch and this is His plan for me.  I felt renewed and cleansed and I knew at that moment I will make it through this with flying colors.

On Tuesday, I had my pre-op appointment with my surgeon, and that went amazing as well!  He said I was doing great with my weight loss and that I passed the amount he wanted me to lose by 5 lbs.  (I've lost 3 more lbs since then) He said that I was on the right track and that he knows I will do excellent in this surgery and I will heal fast.  He's really a great doctor and I know for sure I am in good hands with him.  By the way, the pre-op diet was pretty easy for me.  I didn't feel deprived for the most part and it's actually changed my appetite a lot!!  I can only eat about half of how much I was eating before, which I know is only helping me more in preparation for how little I'll be eating later!  I also love protein shakes now!

So, I'm ready now, to get my guts rearranged and continue working on getting my brain to think differently.  I just ask for a prayer that everything goes well, without complications and that I recover fast!  

The Date Is Set...

Well, that almost sounds like I'm getting married.  But, I guess that's pretty fitting seeing as I am making a huge, life long, life altering, commitment!  The point is, I have an official date for my Gastric Bypass procedure!  I will be headed to the hospital on December 10th to have my guts rearranged. At 9:00 AM on that fateful Tuesday, I will be at the Methodist Specialty and Transplant Hospital, checking in for my procedure and most likely nervous as hell.  At least that's how I was before the surgery I had earlier this year.  Although, this is where I had my last procedure done and the staff was amazing and really helped to put me at ease, as well as my mom.  I just have to keep myself focused on the end result and remind myself how worth it this is going to be.

I'm not going to lie, I have had some serious doubts and have asked myself several times if I really know what I am getting myself into.  I've tried bargaining with myself about trying it the "old fashioned way" one more time.  I've even considered not doing anything all together and just keep living life like I was before. Who cares if I'm unhealthy? It's not effecting them, just me!  Ultimately, I told myself that this is the right thing for me.  I have tried so many other times before to do this on my own and failed. I know that with this tool, I will loose the weight.  I just have to get my mind to the point where I won't self-sabotage and change the outcome.  I have to get my brain to the point where it only sees food as fuel and not a reward or comfort.  This is a lot easier said than done, because my brain has been in that mode since I was a kid.  It seems that mental hurdles are always the hardest to jump.

I know that this will happen in time, as well as reaching my goal weight will.  I'm just so ready to reach that goal, that I wish it could happen overnight.  But alas, it will be a long journey, and I just have to make sure I'm prepared for it.  I'm just going to pretend I'm Frodo and my weight loss goal is Gollum's "Precious".  It's an adventure I will have to fight my way through, but I will overcome in the end! Maybe that's not a good analogy, I mean he does end up wounded and goes to some "land of the elves" crap because he's dead, or dying, and he leaves all his friends behind...oh well, you get my point! (I hope, lol!)

Now, that's better!

Since my last post, I had a follow up appointment for my sleep study.  Come to find out, I have severe Obstructive Sleep Apnea.  FABULOUS! But, I knew this already.  When the doctor went over my sleep study results, he told me I was waking up on average 140 times in an hour.  140 times!!! That's more that twice a minute! Who does that?! Apparently, I do! No wonder I felt so tired all the time.  So, they took me back to another office and introduced me to my new best friend...a CPAP machine.

This machine may make me sound like Darth Vader and makes me look like a hospital patient, but it lets me get the best sleep I have ever gotten in my life!  I finally get a full 7-8 hours of sleep every night and don't toss and turn or snore anymore.  I have been getting up all week at 6:00 am.  Ask anyone who knows me well and you'll know that time is unheard of in Kellie's world.  I feel like a new person. I am less irritable, have a ton of energy, I don't feel like falling asleep in the middle of the day and I get so much more accomplished during the day.  Saturday, for example, I woke up at 8:30 (when I used to wake up at 12 or 1) and cleaned my car out, took it to the car wash, went to Lane Bryant and shopped, went to the drug store and grocery store and was finished with all that by 11:00 am!  Who knew you could actually get stuff accomplished on a Saturday?  My only problem now is finding stuff to do to occupy all this extra time.  I guess working out is viable option.

Since I was so motivated on Saturday, I gave my mom a call and asked her if she wanted to go to church with me on Sunday.  I haven't been to church in a while and have missed it.  I always feel so much better after going to church, but I always slept so late on Sundays that I just didn't go.  So, we went to the new contemporary service at United Methodist's new campus and it was so great!  I loved the pastor and what she had to say.  Needless to say, I cried, a lot.  I tend to do that at church.  It's as if God knows exactly what need to hear that day and speaks directly to me through the pastor.  After the service, it was like I was cleansed and I went home with renewed faith and hope for the week.  I will surely be going back next week.

In other news, I got to talk to my insurance company today and met with the nutritionist again.  I found out that I have been approved for surgery and my surgery date is December 3rd.  The big day is officially less than a month away!  I am so ready for this, and am so excited!  I know I will be a bit nervous on the day of surgery, but otherwise I am past the fear of this decision and know that this is only going to better my life.  In about two weeks, I will start on a pre-op diet that will consist of two meal replacement protein shakes for breakfast and lunch, and a dinner with 4-5 oz of meat, 3 servings of non-starchy vegetables, and 1-2 fats. This is to help build up my protein before surgery so I have more strength, will heal faster, and am less likely to have hair loss after the surgery.  As I find out more, I will surely keep you all posted, but until then, Adios!

Appointments, Appointments, and More Appointments...

10.18.2013
I can say one thing about the preparation for weight loss surgery, it has helped me overcome my fear about going to see the doctor.

Going to the doctor used to always be a fear of mine.  Not only because I knew they were going to comment on my weight, but also because I was intensely afraid that whatever ailment I had was going to be something much worse that it really was like some incurable disease or Cancer.  I'll chalk that up to my anxiety more than anything else, cause that lovely ailment makes mountains out of ant piles on a daily basis. However, now that I have had so many doctor visits in preparation for my Gastric Bypass surgery (not to mention a rectal surgery procedure in July), I have become quite comfortable with going to see the doctor.  It's almost like going to visit an old friend, except my friends and I usually don't discuss my medical history.  (Sidebar: Maybe we should feel more free to discuss our medical issues with people close to us. It might make it easier to tell the doctor who is the person who really should know, but most people are not as honest as they should be with their doctors. But, this is another blog post waiting to happen!)  

My point here is that if you are thinking about having weight loss surgery, be sure to consider how many doctor's appointments, nutritionist visits, and exams you will have before the surgery actually happens.  Since I made the decision to have the surgery, I have had two nutritionist visits, an exam with the surgeon, consultations with my patient care advocate, a visit with a psychologist for a psych evaluation, an appointment to have labs done and blood work, and a consultation with a sleep study doctor.  Tonight, I will be doing my sleep study to determine if I do have sleep apnea (I know I do), how severe it is and if I need a CPAP machine to sleep with.  After that, I will have a follow up appointment with the sleep study center and one more visit with the nutritionist, THEN I can schedule my surgery! My insurance is sure making me jump through a few hoops before I can get the surgery, but it's a lot better than most from what I understand.  Most providers will make you wait 3-6 months before having the surgery and make you attempt a diet supervised by a nutritionist or dietitian before they will approve coverage.  At least the practice I was referred to knocked a bunch of these visits and requirements out in one office visit.  I was at the office for about 4 and a half hours, but I got a big chunk of all these appointments done at the same time, which was very helpful considering it would have effected my pocketbook and my schedule at work.

After a couple more appointments, I should know for sure when surgery is actually happening.  Until then, I think it's safe to say it will be late November when it's done.  I'm still a little apprehensive about the surgery, but mostly excited.  I'm so ready for my life to change, ready for something different.

10.19.2013
Update: I had my sleep study last night, and it went really well actually.  I felt a bit like Frankenstien being hooked up to so many wires and monitors!  I had two bands strapped around my torso, one under my arms and across my chest, one around my belly at the waist to monitor breathing, two sensors on each leg to track for Restless Leg Syndrome, two EKG sensors on my back, a cannula shoved up my nose to monitor breathing, a heart monitor on my left index finger, and at least 15 electrodes on my face and in my hair to monitor brain patterns, eye movement, if I'm grinding my teeth, etc. After getting all hooked up, I went to sleep for a bit, but was very restless. I know I woke up a few times and had a difficult time getting comfy. I don't know what time it was, but the tech came in and hooked me up to the CPAP machine and after about 20 minutes trying to get used to breathing with it on, I passed out! I swear I was dead to the world, I never slept so good in my life!  I was sleeping on my back, which I don't think I have done in about 10 years, and breathing through my nose instead of snoring.  When they woke me up at 5:20 am, I was in the same position, I hadn't moved at all since they put the machine on. So, I think it's safe to say that I certainly have sleep apnea and I need a CPAP machine ASAP!  I'm looking forward to much more restful sleep in the future!

Emotional Past, Present, and Future

I'm sure that my emotions will be addressed a lot with this blog, but I guess this entry will serve as a little background.  My emotions always seem to be directly connected with my weight, or at least my anxiety and depression addled brain likes to tell me that's the case.  I know for sure that emotional eating is what led me to where I am today and everyday is a struggle to adjust my thought process.

As a kid in elementary school, first grade to be exact, I can remember the exact moment that, what we called teasing then, started to effect me.  It was a normal day in class and we were drawing pictures of the weather.  The teacher specifically wanted us to draw the weather that we saw that day.  I remember my clouds.  I drew them like they looked.  Not fluffy cumulonimbus clouds that every kid draws at that stage in life, but low stratus clouds that you see in the morning when the clouds are still low.  Wispy, linear clouds.  Those kind of clouds were apparently not the cool clouds that the popular kid in class deemed acceptable.  So, I got "teased" because my clouds were wrong. I was taunted and laughed at and called stupid because I had a better artistic eye than most in that class. I didn't say anything to the teacher, I never like confrontation and never liked to cause a fuss over my issues.  Right then, they saw that that they could "tease" me and get away with it.

I'm the one on the top row on the far right.  The two worst teasing offenders are in this picture too!

Other students in the class who wanted to be like the popular kids saw what they did and followed suit.  It's so easy for us to do that as kids, isn't it?  Soon after the cloud incident, other flaws were picked out and picked on.  I have always been chubby, especially around the face, and that chubbiness instantly became fat.  I wasn't fat by any means, I was a perfectly normal-sized child at my age, but what they told me had to be true, I guess I just couldn't see it, so I believed them.  What they saw me as took place of what I saw myself as.  I would go home and cry and eat to make myself feel better.  Food became my safety blanket.  Food didn't talk back to me, it didn't judge me, and it temporarily eased that ache inside.  This became a vicious cycle that stayed with me for the rest of my life.  It may not have been that bad through, elementary and middle school, but high school hit and as much as I tried to play it cool that I didn't care what other's thought about me, I did, so much.

Me in the middle with my brother and sister, my senior year of high school.

I still hid my feelings and kept eating as comfort all through high school and steadily kept gaining weight.  Now, mind you, I did try to loose weight several times.  Weight Watchers was always a good start.  I would do so well for the first few months and drop about 40-50 lbs, then something would shift, and I would self-sabotage and stop the program and gain all the weight and more back in the matter of a month or so.  All that hard work would constantly be flushed down the drain.  I tried diet pills, which was basically like speed.  I was getting everything done but I was dizzy and disoriented and crabby all the time.  Looking back on this now, I attribute all that failure to not caring enough about myself.  I would just quit and wouldn't give myself enough credit for how far I had come.  I didn't know then that I had the beginnings of anxiety and depression.  

When college began, I was already on this downward spiral, but kept pushing aside my emotions.  I would hide them under drinking and skipping classes.  God only knows how I eventually graduated with a 3.2.  I missed so many classes and was almost put on academic probation when my depression and anxiety finally caught up with me.  I didn't know what was going on with me but all of the sudden I was staying home all the time and had to drop all but one of my classes.  I don't even think my roommates at the time really knew what was going on.  Although, I did have one who seemed to understand and kept me afloat by doing ridiculously silly activities with me on a daily basis.  I honestly think she is the reason why I hung on so long, and why I didn't just give up completely.  (You know who you are! I love you so much for that and many more reasons)  After going through a few panic attacks and learning to respect myself more and listen to what my body is telling me, things started to get better.  I started talking to a therapist and eventually got on to some meds that helped regulate my crazy emotions.  

A couple years after college was done, I was working and living in Austin.  I was finally living by myself and had what I thought was a secure job.  I was doing well and was actually starting to loose some weight on my own, just by changing up what I ate and being more active.  Then out of the blue, I got sick.  Very sick.  I had H1N1 (Swine Flu) and Pneumonia all at once.  I was hospitalized and in ICU for two weeks.  I almost died.  I can tell you for a fact there was one night in the hospital bed, where I had a talk with God and said to him, "If this is my time, I'm ready.  Just let me go." I was so depressed and scared and sure I wasn't going to make it that I was ready to be done. But He said no, he told me it wasn't my time.  When I woke up the next morning, I knew for sure I had to fight.  So, I did, and I went home two days later.  When I got back to Austin, I found out I was laid off from my job.  I didn't see it coming but I had no other option but to move home to my mom's house in San Antonio. 

Shortly after I moved home, I found the most amazing thing ever.  I know now that it is what changed my life.  The Big Is Beauty Project.  I was browsing YouTube and found them through the Project Lifesize channel. I started watching videos and started relating to what the people had to say.  They knew me, they understood what I have dealt with my whole life.  I instantly felt accepted and loved, something I needed more than ever at that point.  I felt like part of something just by watching their videos.  Shortly after I started watching, a few members left, and there were auditions to fill the spots.  I didn't hesitate to make a video and submit it as soon as I could.  The viewers voted me on and ever since then it has been the best experience of my life.  These girls on the channel are my sisters and I have become such a better person because of them and their wisdom!  I have finally learned to love myself and take care of myself for once in my life.  

Now that I have learned to love myself, I have learned that I need to treat myself better.  I know that I deserve better for myself and I am finally willing to work towards that goal.  All my past failures are only reminders of how far I have come and reminders of how this time it is different.  I will not dwell on the past anymore, this is my new life and my second chance to live life the way I want to, happily and healthily. 

Here's Where It Begins

This may be the first time some of you are hearing this, or some of you may be already privy to this knowledge, but I have made the decision to have Gastric Bypass surgery.

For some of you this may be a shock and you may not approve, for others you may support my decision, the rest of you must be here because you are thinking about having or have had the same procedure done.  For the supporters, you know who you are and I can't thank you all enough for being here for me, for understanding why this choice is right for me and for your continued support on this journey.  For the disapproving, I have to say a few things:

It's my body and my choice.
I know it's not a "quick fix", or an "easy way out" because I will be working my ass off (literally).
The procedure has advanced tremendously over the past 10 years and is a lot less risky and more effective than it used to be.

Lastly, for the ones who are thinking about the surgery or have had the surgery, let me say that this blog is all about my journey and I hope that sharing the good, bad, and ugly with you will help serve as a support for you, and help answer any questions you may have about this choice.  I appreciate when people can share their experiences in an honest way to help others and I hope to do the same.

I plan on sharing everything with you guys as I go along, and I mean everything.  Everything from my emotions (which I know there will be a lot of) to what I had to eat on that particular day to what kind of exercise I am doing to get fit. This blog will basically serve as my diary throughout my journey to better health.  I hope it serves as a positive outlet for myself and as an insight for others into the process of Gastric Bypass, before and after the procedure. 

So, I hope that you all keep reading this blog and feel free to ask me any questions you may have.  I happy to help and share what I know with all of you!  

Love,
Kellie