Wooooooah I'm halfway there!!!

Actually a bit more than halfway, but who's counting (I am)!

Can I just say that this has been incredible so far? I am beyond elated that I decided to make this change in my life. Making the decision to have gastric bypass has changed my life so much and has been so rewarding in so many aspects in my life, the least of which is weight loss.  I mean, sure, that's a huge part of it, but so much more of me has changed for the better.

Let me break all this awesomeness down for you all.
1. Confidence:
I have so much more confidence in myself.  And it's not because my appearance has changed, it's because I made the decision to change my life.  The fact that I jumped this big hurdle to undergo surgery to improve my health showed me that I am so much stronger than I was a year ago.  If I can do this and get through surgery, then I can do anything.  I don't care what other people think about my life or me or how I look, because I love the choices I have made, and I love me and that's all that matters. Without those barriers of doubt, I now walk into a room proud of who I am and what I have done.  Walking onto a plane and sitting next to a skinny person who glares at me is no longer an issue. The glares just seem pathetic and kinda make me laugh to myself thinking, "if you only knew".

2. Strength:
Because I have been working out, I've got muscles that I never knew existed. I can go harder, longer, faster than I ever could before and I am amazed each time I step off the elliptical, each time I get off the ab cruncher machine, each time I wipe all the sweat off my brow, that I DID that! It makes me want to do more and I never thought I'd be that person.

3. Control:
I had no idea going into this how much more control over my life I would have.  I feel like just in changing my daily routine, with diet, exercise and medications, that I would end up feeling in control of everything else, especially my emotions.  It seems as though once I got control over what I was eating, other things started falling into place.  Before I had my surgery, I would binge eat out of control, and it was usually when my emotions were at their worst.  If my depression was on high alert, it was a whole large pizza, and bread sticks, and a 2 liter of soda, and probably some ice cream... Now that I my stomach won't let me over eat, I control how much I put into my body. By having control over that, I feel like I have learned moderation, and can moderate my emotions better.  As a matter of fact, I have been off my anti-depressants since a month after my surgery, and haven't had a single panic attack in 6 months.  I can't even tell you how relieved this makes me feel.

I just can't believe how much has changed in the last 6 months, and I can't wait for more changes. This is the best decision I have ever made in my life.  EVER!

Start Weight: 451 lbs.
Weight at Surgery 12/10/13: 428 lbs.
Current Weight: 293 lbs.
Total Weight Lost: 158 lbs.
Current Mood: Happy

Pounds Aren't All I Am Loosing

It seems when everything is going great, there has to be one thing that goes wrong. I swear it's an unwritten law of physics.  Now, I know this problem may not seem like such an issue but it's driving me batty! I knew it was going to happen too, but I still don't like it.  So what is the problem? I've been loosing my hair for 2 months now.

I have thick hair to begin with, so I'm used to hairs falling out on a daily basis anyway. I wash my hair every other day and when I wash it, I'm usually cleaning the drain. However this hair loss is ridiculous! When I wash my hair now, I'm cleaning the drain about 3 times per shower. My brush becomes a hair ball after 3 days.  When I blow dry it, I pull another handful out when I run my fingers through my hair.  It's really starting to make me panic.  I guess I just really started appreciating how nice it is to have thick hair, and I'm starting to miss it.  I know this will stop in a couple months, but it's been a couple months already and I'm tired of this.  I'm tired of having to check my clothes every 20 minutes to pick 5-10 hairs off my shoulders. Plus there's the whole prospect of when the hair grows back in.  I will have little short baby hairs of new growth all over, it's just going to be odd looking while I am trying to grow my hair out.  I suppose I will just have to cut it short when it stops failing out, but I don't wanna. :(

I'm trying my best not to panic and remind myself that this is temporary and all just a part of the journey.  It could be so much worse and I'm grateful that it isn't.  If this is the only complication I have had so far, that's fine with me.  I'll see the doctor on Tuesday and I will ask him what he thinks I should do, or if I should try other vitamins like Biotin, or protein treatment shampoos.  I'll keep you posted on how that goes!

In other news, I am about to go on a big trip to go see my Big Is Beauty Project girls! I'm going to get on a plane and fly all the way up to Missoula, Montana!  Caitlin is graduating from college and I can't wait to be there to cheer her on.  I am so proud of that woman! I'm so excited to see her and the BIBP girls that I can't hardly stand it!  I'm also very interested to see how flying feels now that I have a smaller butt to squeeze in the seats. Flying isn't much fun for me anyway, but it really isn't when you are as big as I was.  You get a lot of stares and judgmental looks, attitude from flight attendant when you ask for a seat belt extender, and the best is the terrified look from the person who was lucky enough to sit next to you. We'll see how much this has changed, or if it hasn't.

Start Weight: 451 lbs.
Weight at Surgery 12/10/13: 428 lbs.
Current Weight: 313 lbs.
Total Weight Lost: 138 lbs.
Current Mood: Frustrated

1st Milestone Reached...

I haven't written in while, but it's mainly because I was going through a couple crazy weeks.  I was dealing with a two week long plateau that was driving me crazy! I know in a major weight loss journey I will hit plateaus a few times, but being aware doesn't mean it's any easier to deal with. You doubt your ability, you question everything that you eat, you wonder if you are getting enough exercise, and you are just downright frustrated.  Being on the other side of it now, of course it all seem so silly because...

As of this morning, at 8:00 am, I officially reached my first milestone! I have dropped 101 lbs!!! WHAT?!?!?! 101. Freaking. Pounds. I cannot begin to say how elated I am, and how proud of myself I am at this moment! It especially feels good after coming off a two week plateau!

I know this is the first major milestone in this journey and it makes me even more excited about the prospect of the next one. Of course it hasn't been easy.  Adjusting to trying food all over again, and trying to understand this new stomach and body are the hardest things.  It's still difficult to remind myself to slow down when I am eating, my stomach surely lets me know, but my brain is still making me think I have to eat as fast as I can. I look in the mirror most days and don't see a change at all, I still see the same body I had in the beginning, and then other mornings I can see how loose my clothes fit and see how much slimmer my face is. I still wake up mornings and feel like I'm a lazy slob, then I remember what I did in the gym the night before. The mental game is surely the hardest part of the whole thing, but I am making small adjustments every day, and learning that this is all so worth the effort.

So, 101 lbs. down, 160 to go, and much more work with understanding my new, healthier self!
(P.S. time to get a tattoo to commemorate!)

Start Weight: 451 lbs.
Weight at Surgery 12/10/13: 428 lbs.
Current Weight: 350 lbs.
Total Weight Lost: 101 lbs.
(soon I will put inches lost on here, but I haven't measured yet!)
Current Mood: Relieved

A Little Soapbox time...

I have a couple of things I need to get off my chest and I figured this was the best place to do it!

First things first, I'm getting so fed up with dating right now and am seriously considering a long hiatus!  I've had two frustrating experiences in one week and it makes me feel like screaming.  I won't really get into details right now, because I don't want to get all worked up again, and I just want to let it go.  But, I will ask this, since I'm no dating expert and I don't have that much experience, is this supposed to be so freaking hard? I know marriages are hard work, but I don't think that dating should be so difficult because this is supposed to be the fun stage, right?  It always starts off fun but I'm certainly not having fun right now, and apparently I keep finding the wrong guys, who don't want the same things I do out of it.  I feel like I am at the stage where I am ready to start being more serious about a more long-term relationship, because I have finally started loving myself fully and taking care of myself. However, every guy I go out with wants to just "have fun" and not commit to anything, which I take as, "I like leaving my options open because you aren't exactly what I want and I don't want to be alone so, I'll stick with you until something better comes along."  Maybe I'm wrong and just letting my frustrations get the better of me, but I honestly know I deserve more than being put on hold or being a standby. I deserve someone who WANTS to be around me OFTEN.

Secondly, I watched the finale of The Biggest Loser this week and I was so sad after I finished watching it.  It's the first time I felt sad and not inspired after watching that show.  Yes, I'm talking about Rachel and her weight loss. I am SO torn between my emotions on this topic, because I have strong feelings on both sides of the fence. There's the fact that TBL is a competition, and she was competing for $250,000, and in that aspect she did what she came to do, AND I have always believed that we shouldn't judge a person's health based solely on their appearance/weight.  Then, there's the other side of me that thinks that she took it to extremes when she went home before the finale and lost too much weight, is now in an unhealthy BMI, AND showed the world of impressionable children, teens, and adults with eating disorders that her extremely low weight was okay and to be applauded.  It scares me to think that a show that has always been about being healthy and fit has now propagated a different message.  It's hard to be on both sides of the fence on this issue, my brain doesn't know how to grasp it.  I just hope that she is healthy, or that she can get to a weight that is healthy for her and be able to maintain it.  I hope, for her sake, that she hasn't developed any addiction transfers, or other disorders (body dysmorphic disorder) because of this experience.  I know it's common for that to happen with extreme weight loss.

Ok, I'm done now! Rant over! 

Thanks for listening!

Start Weight: 451 lbs.
Weight at Surgery 12/10/13: 428 lbs.
Current Weight: 366 lbs.
Total Weight Lost: 85 lbs.
(soon I will put inches lost on here, but I haven't measured yet!)
Current Mood: Frustrated 

Cha cha cha changes...

Sorry it's been so long since I have written a new post, but boy I have been busy!  It's a good thing actually, because I used to be so sedentary and lazy and now all I want to do is get up and do something!  Even after working all day, and a gym workout, I feel super restless if I don't fill my time with something.  It's kinda weird, but amazing to have all this energy now.

Speaking of working out, I've been going to the gym at least 3 days a week and have been shooting for 4 days a week as of late.  It's crazy to know that in the past, I dreaded even thinking about working out.  I would avoid it like the plague, because it was hard.  I would start and 3-4 minutes in I would quit because I was huffing, puffing, and sweating profusely.  I wouldn't go back the next day, because the first one was so hard and I knew I wouldn't be able to do it again.  Now, I can get through a whole hour of working out and I feel so good afterwards.  Sure, I still huff, puff, and sweat, but now it feels good and I feel proud of myself for accomplishing another session. Last week, I even had to increase my speed on the treadmill and the intensity on the bike because it was too easy!  If you are wanting to get started on a workout routine and you know how or to get started, just start small and work your way up slowly.  I started with just 30 minutes on the treadmill (only going 2.0 mph), then I tried the elliptical machine. I got on that devil and started and go off that hellish beast within one minute.  Now, I'm up to a 15 minute warm up at 3 mph on the treadmill, 30 minutes of circuit training, and 20-30 minutes on the recumbent bike, where I can go almost 6 miles!  Everyone has so start somewhere! Just know that it gets easier and you can do more as you go along.

As far as the eating part goes, I have been doing really good!  I have basically cut out all bad carbs, like bread, pasta, rice and starchy veggies.  I admit I have had some cravings, and I did have one well toasted slice of gluten-free, low-carb bread this weekend while I was in Houston, but it's no where near where I used to be before.  I still can't each much at all, and the strange looks from wait staff at restaurants are getting a little annoying, but I'm glad I am where I am now.  Where before I felt I could never get enough to eat, I feel like now I just get a taste and I'm perfectly satisfied.  It still blows my mind, and I'm not sure how long it will take to get used to, but it's kinda amazing!

Overall, I still wouldn't change a thing.  If I had to go back and do it all again, I totally would!

Start Weight: 451 lbs.
Weight at Surgery 12/10/13: 428 lbs.
Current Weight: 370 lbs.
Total Weight Lost: 81 lbs.
(soon I will put inches lost on here, but I haven't measured yet!)
Current Mood: Excited

Happy New Year!!!

So it's the beginning of the new year and I am already off to a good start!  I am so proud of myself for making the decisions I have in 2013, and am so happy to have this new chance at a new healthy life. There is so much that is already changing and I can hardly wrap my head around it.  The weight is coming off so fast, my body is changing so much already and I already feel so much better.

What I'm Eating:
Before surgery, I never thought I would be able to make it through the day without eating.  It sounded so weird and impossible to me.  I thought surely my body will need that food and calories to burn in order to have energy. In the case of most people, this is the truth.  I'm not in any way advocating not eating if you are on another weight loss journey! That is surely dangerous and will only cause you to gain more weight later.  I do eat, it's just not much right now.  I maybe eat once or twice a day and then I'm eating super small amounts. I am still on the soft foods/semi solid proteins stage right now, so I eat a lot of cheeses, canned meats (usually mixed with a light cream soup or light mayo so it goes down better), eggs, re-fried beans, and thin sliced deli meats (very well chewed). I had some browned ground beef with some cream of mushroom soup the other day that tasted sooooo good to me!  I'm really ready for week 5 when I can finally start adding other things to my diet like veggies.  I have experimented with a couple things that have not set so well.  And by not sitting well, I mean I get monster heartburn and I go and say a few prayers to the porcelain gods.  So far, pickles (which I loved before) and Wendy's chili are a no go.  I have been craving crunchy carbs (like Chex mix, and crackers) and pizza all this week and it's hard to remind my brain that I don't need them and that I am not really hungry!  The mental part of this whole thing is really the hardest struggle, the physical part, not so much.

The Physical Part:
Since surgery, my body has been through an overhaul so far, and it's letting me know it's not that happy about it right now.  I'm sure in time it will change it's mind, but until then I've been putting up with some not so pleasant issues.  The first thing that happened, started even a week before surgery when I had lost 20 lbs already. My outside of my right thigh started to go numb.  At night when I would lay down for bed it would stop being numb and burn like crazy.  I have since found out from the Physician's Assistant that it is a lovely condition called Meralgia Paresthetica.  It's where your femoral/lower abdominal nerve is pinched by pressure.  Apparently, my lower stomach (pannus) is pressing on that nerve more as I lose weight and it's causing the nerve to act up.  I can handle it most of the time, because most of the time it just makes my leg numb, but every once in a while it will start shooting pains through my leg, and will just feel very uncomfortable when I'm laying down to go to sleep.  It should pass soon, maybe in the next couple months, but in the meantime it sucks. The second lovely issue, has been a muscle that's been acting up on the lower left side of my abdomen.  It's been going on for two whole weeks now, and is driving me batty! At first I was concerned that it might be a hernia considering that hernias are very common after weight loss surgery, but now that it's FINALLY starting to get better, I'm sure it was just a bad muscle strain from trying to move around without effecting my incisions, but it hurts like a mother sometimes!  It hurts when I am sitting up, it hurts when I lay a certain way in bed (which happens to be my favorite way to lay in bed), and it hurts when I bend over.  Today is actually the first day it has felt better since it started.  The pain is pretty mild so hopefully that's a sign that it's on the mend.

Getting Physical:
As far as the exercise I have been doing, I have only just gotten started as of the 1st of January.  I got outside on New Years Day and walked 1.7 miles.  I can't tell you the last time I walked that far!  I don't think my body remembers either because my legs were crying by the end of it! However, my back, which used to hurt on a near daily basis, didn't hurt at all!  The weight I have lost so far helped so much, and I can already stand up straighter. Since that walk I have walked once more for another 1.7 miles and it didn't hurt as much that time.  Today, I actually joined a gym (Planet Fitness) and I am going tonight to work out!  I know if I am paying for it, I am going to make more of an effort to go at least 5 days a week.  I also got some new trainers and a gym bag for motivation (the money I save on food is paying for other cool stuff). Tonight I'm just going to focus on getting some time in on the treadmill and maybe the elliptical (15 minutes each), just to get myself started.  If I have any fitness buff friends out there that want to join me (I'll be going to the PF on 410 and McCullough across from North Star Mall), or if you have any advice on what kinds of workouts I can do, please let me know!

I've decided that I am going to add my stats at the end of my blogs from now on.  It's something I have struggled with in the past, because I didn't want people to know my weight, but I'm trying to come to terms with that and just get over it basically.  So, I'm going to start sharing it with you all.

Start Weight: 451 lbs.
Weight at Surgery 12/10/13: 428 lbs.
Current Weight: 388 lbs.
Total Weight Lost: 63 lbs.
(soon I will put inches lost on here, but I haven't measured yet!)
Current Mood: Motivated