Wooooooah I'm halfway there!!!

Actually a bit more than halfway, but who's counting (I am)!

Can I just say that this has been incredible so far? I am beyond elated that I decided to make this change in my life. Making the decision to have gastric bypass has changed my life so much and has been so rewarding in so many aspects in my life, the least of which is weight loss.  I mean, sure, that's a huge part of it, but so much more of me has changed for the better.

Let me break all this awesomeness down for you all.
1. Confidence:
I have so much more confidence in myself.  And it's not because my appearance has changed, it's because I made the decision to change my life.  The fact that I jumped this big hurdle to undergo surgery to improve my health showed me that I am so much stronger than I was a year ago.  If I can do this and get through surgery, then I can do anything.  I don't care what other people think about my life or me or how I look, because I love the choices I have made, and I love me and that's all that matters. Without those barriers of doubt, I now walk into a room proud of who I am and what I have done.  Walking onto a plane and sitting next to a skinny person who glares at me is no longer an issue. The glares just seem pathetic and kinda make me laugh to myself thinking, "if you only knew".

2. Strength:
Because I have been working out, I've got muscles that I never knew existed. I can go harder, longer, faster than I ever could before and I am amazed each time I step off the elliptical, each time I get off the ab cruncher machine, each time I wipe all the sweat off my brow, that I DID that! It makes me want to do more and I never thought I'd be that person.

3. Control:
I had no idea going into this how much more control over my life I would have.  I feel like just in changing my daily routine, with diet, exercise and medications, that I would end up feeling in control of everything else, especially my emotions.  It seems as though once I got control over what I was eating, other things started falling into place.  Before I had my surgery, I would binge eat out of control, and it was usually when my emotions were at their worst.  If my depression was on high alert, it was a whole large pizza, and bread sticks, and a 2 liter of soda, and probably some ice cream... Now that I my stomach won't let me over eat, I control how much I put into my body. By having control over that, I feel like I have learned moderation, and can moderate my emotions better.  As a matter of fact, I have been off my anti-depressants since a month after my surgery, and haven't had a single panic attack in 6 months.  I can't even tell you how relieved this makes me feel.

I just can't believe how much has changed in the last 6 months, and I can't wait for more changes. This is the best decision I have ever made in my life.  EVER!

Start Weight: 451 lbs.
Weight at Surgery 12/10/13: 428 lbs.
Current Weight: 293 lbs.
Total Weight Lost: 158 lbs.
Current Mood: Happy

Pounds Aren't All I Am Loosing

It seems when everything is going great, there has to be one thing that goes wrong. I swear it's an unwritten law of physics.  Now, I know this problem may not seem like such an issue but it's driving me batty! I knew it was going to happen too, but I still don't like it.  So what is the problem? I've been loosing my hair for 2 months now.

I have thick hair to begin with, so I'm used to hairs falling out on a daily basis anyway. I wash my hair every other day and when I wash it, I'm usually cleaning the drain. However this hair loss is ridiculous! When I wash my hair now, I'm cleaning the drain about 3 times per shower. My brush becomes a hair ball after 3 days.  When I blow dry it, I pull another handful out when I run my fingers through my hair.  It's really starting to make me panic.  I guess I just really started appreciating how nice it is to have thick hair, and I'm starting to miss it.  I know this will stop in a couple months, but it's been a couple months already and I'm tired of this.  I'm tired of having to check my clothes every 20 minutes to pick 5-10 hairs off my shoulders. Plus there's the whole prospect of when the hair grows back in.  I will have little short baby hairs of new growth all over, it's just going to be odd looking while I am trying to grow my hair out.  I suppose I will just have to cut it short when it stops failing out, but I don't wanna. :(

I'm trying my best not to panic and remind myself that this is temporary and all just a part of the journey.  It could be so much worse and I'm grateful that it isn't.  If this is the only complication I have had so far, that's fine with me.  I'll see the doctor on Tuesday and I will ask him what he thinks I should do, or if I should try other vitamins like Biotin, or protein treatment shampoos.  I'll keep you posted on how that goes!

In other news, I am about to go on a big trip to go see my Big Is Beauty Project girls! I'm going to get on a plane and fly all the way up to Missoula, Montana!  Caitlin is graduating from college and I can't wait to be there to cheer her on.  I am so proud of that woman! I'm so excited to see her and the BIBP girls that I can't hardly stand it!  I'm also very interested to see how flying feels now that I have a smaller butt to squeeze in the seats. Flying isn't much fun for me anyway, but it really isn't when you are as big as I was.  You get a lot of stares and judgmental looks, attitude from flight attendant when you ask for a seat belt extender, and the best is the terrified look from the person who was lucky enough to sit next to you. We'll see how much this has changed, or if it hasn't.

Start Weight: 451 lbs.
Weight at Surgery 12/10/13: 428 lbs.
Current Weight: 313 lbs.
Total Weight Lost: 138 lbs.
Current Mood: Frustrated

1st Milestone Reached...

I haven't written in while, but it's mainly because I was going through a couple crazy weeks.  I was dealing with a two week long plateau that was driving me crazy! I know in a major weight loss journey I will hit plateaus a few times, but being aware doesn't mean it's any easier to deal with. You doubt your ability, you question everything that you eat, you wonder if you are getting enough exercise, and you are just downright frustrated.  Being on the other side of it now, of course it all seem so silly because...

As of this morning, at 8:00 am, I officially reached my first milestone! I have dropped 101 lbs!!! WHAT?!?!?! 101. Freaking. Pounds. I cannot begin to say how elated I am, and how proud of myself I am at this moment! It especially feels good after coming off a two week plateau!

I know this is the first major milestone in this journey and it makes me even more excited about the prospect of the next one. Of course it hasn't been easy.  Adjusting to trying food all over again, and trying to understand this new stomach and body are the hardest things.  It's still difficult to remind myself to slow down when I am eating, my stomach surely lets me know, but my brain is still making me think I have to eat as fast as I can. I look in the mirror most days and don't see a change at all, I still see the same body I had in the beginning, and then other mornings I can see how loose my clothes fit and see how much slimmer my face is. I still wake up mornings and feel like I'm a lazy slob, then I remember what I did in the gym the night before. The mental game is surely the hardest part of the whole thing, but I am making small adjustments every day, and learning that this is all so worth the effort.

So, 101 lbs. down, 160 to go, and much more work with understanding my new, healthier self!
(P.S. time to get a tattoo to commemorate!)

Start Weight: 451 lbs.
Weight at Surgery 12/10/13: 428 lbs.
Current Weight: 350 lbs.
Total Weight Lost: 101 lbs.
(soon I will put inches lost on here, but I haven't measured yet!)
Current Mood: Relieved

Being on the other side...

Surgery was two days ago, and I'm feeling pretty good so far.  Aside from some stinging pain in my lower left abdomen (the incision where they put the stapler in) and pressure from gas, I am not really hurting so bad. You never realize how much you use your stomach muscles until it hurts to use them!  Getting up and getting around is not so bad.  I have nice binder (think about a giant Ace bandage for your tummy) wrapped around me that keeps me from giggling around like Santa, and keeps the pain at bay.  Pain killers are amazing too!  I've been on a hydrocodone/acetaminophen elixir cocktail that makes me feel great (if not a little drunk)!  For the gas, I've been walking around a bit to move it around, and sorry of this grosses you out, but farting and burping are my best friends right now.  At least they don't stink cause I haven't eaten anything.  This side of surgery is already becoming a whole new world for me!

The strangest thing is my hunger.  I haven't eaten anything in three whole days, and I'm not hungry at all!!!  It's a whole new way of thinking that I am so not used to.  All I can handle right now is fluids, fluids, fluids.  I can't chug down a glass of ice water like I used to, I can only sip all day. So, getting the full 64 oz of fluids a day is surely a challenge, but I'm making it.  I ate a grape sugar free Popsicle tonight and after the twenty minutes it took me to eat it, I felt like I had eaten a whole feast.  I was full from a Popsicle!!!!  My surgeon told me I may feel this way for up to 3 weeks, but just to go with it because as long as I take my vitamins, I'm okay.

The day of surgery was an emotional one.  I was nervous about the actual procedure and being under anesthesia.  I know I did fine in my last surgery, but I was still concerned.  I mean when they ask you if you have a will or a medical directive, you are instantly reminded that you have a chance (although it is small) that you will die on the operating table.  While I was getting prepped, I had an unexpected visitor, my colon surgeon, Dr. Izfar, who preformed my fisulotomy back in July.  She saw my name on the surgery board when she came in to do surgery on someone else and popped in to say hello.  It caught me off guard, but I was so happy to see her.  She told me that she really cared for me and wanted make sure everything was going okay, and to wish me luck on my new journey.  I cried a bit cause I was very touched, no doctor I have ever had has ever cared that much.  After she left, the anesthesiologist came in to start my "margarita" as he called it and they wheeled me back to the operating room, scooted me onto the table, and after that I woke up in the recovery room.  I was in quite a bit of pain, but they pumped me full of morphine and took me to my room where I would stay the night.  My mom was there and I kept drifting in and out.  Eventually I woke up more, got up to pee and walk a little.  My sister and niece came by to see me and the nurse gave me more pain meds, and I started to drift off again. So mom, sissy, and Kylie, took off and I went on to sleep.  This was the pattern I kept with until about 2:30 yesterday, pain meds, sleep, walking.  Being home with mom feels great, I really hate being in hospitals and feel like I have more freedom to do more here without being bugged every 3 hours for vitals.

All in all, there are no regrets so far, and I am in good spirits!!  I want to thank you all for your prayers, good vibes and support through this so far.  I've been reminded this week how many people care for me and it makes me feel so wonderful.  Sometimes we forget that people care, so I was very happy to be reminded and feel all that love from all of you!  If you ever need my support, you have it guaranteed!!

It's finally here...

It's officially the eve of my surgery day!!!

 I don't even know what to say at this point.  I am such a huge ball of emotions that it's not even funny.  I'm surprisingly keeping it together though.  I think at this point I have gotten past most of my nervousness and fear of surgery, said good bye to the bad food, and am starting to say hello to the healthy life ahead of me.  The emotions that I am feeling right now are mainly excitement and elation that this is FINALLY happening, that I am finally on a path that is going to change my life forever.  I know this is not a fix-all and that I am going to have to work really hard to stay on track, but I'm pretty sure I am in the right mindset at this point.

I will admit, I had a little bit of a breakdown last Saturday night, and had to have my mom talk me down.  I had all these thoughts about "what if" that were driving me crazy.  I was scared about my last appointment with the surgeon, that I wouldn't have lost the last few pounds I needed to lose before surgery, that if I hadn't they would cancel the surgery and I'd have to wait til next year and pay my whole deductible again.  I was scared that I had made the wrong decision and I was making a ginormous mistake doing this to my body. I was scared that surgery would go badly and I would die. (Thank you Anxiety for those lovely thoughts!) But, my mom helped me re-focus my thoughts and remember that God is beside me all the way and He will take care of me and my worries.  And He did! (Oh man, He did!)  On Sunday, I went to church and cried my way through the whole service, because every word felt like it was directed right to me.  God was surely sending me a clear message to let go and let Him take care of everything, that I am going to be just fine under His watch and this is His plan for me.  I felt renewed and cleansed and I knew at that moment I will make it through this with flying colors.

On Tuesday, I had my pre-op appointment with my surgeon, and that went amazing as well!  He said I was doing great with my weight loss and that I passed the amount he wanted me to lose by 5 lbs.  (I've lost 3 more lbs since then) He said that I was on the right track and that he knows I will do excellent in this surgery and I will heal fast.  He's really a great doctor and I know for sure I am in good hands with him.  By the way, the pre-op diet was pretty easy for me.  I didn't feel deprived for the most part and it's actually changed my appetite a lot!!  I can only eat about half of how much I was eating before, which I know is only helping me more in preparation for how little I'll be eating later!  I also love protein shakes now!

So, I'm ready now, to get my guts rearranged and continue working on getting my brain to think differently.  I just ask for a prayer that everything goes well, without complications and that I recover fast!  

The Date Is Set...

Well, that almost sounds like I'm getting married.  But, I guess that's pretty fitting seeing as I am making a huge, life long, life altering, commitment!  The point is, I have an official date for my Gastric Bypass procedure!  I will be headed to the hospital on December 10th to have my guts rearranged. At 9:00 AM on that fateful Tuesday, I will be at the Methodist Specialty and Transplant Hospital, checking in for my procedure and most likely nervous as hell.  At least that's how I was before the surgery I had earlier this year.  Although, this is where I had my last procedure done and the staff was amazing and really helped to put me at ease, as well as my mom.  I just have to keep myself focused on the end result and remind myself how worth it this is going to be.

I'm not going to lie, I have had some serious doubts and have asked myself several times if I really know what I am getting myself into.  I've tried bargaining with myself about trying it the "old fashioned way" one more time.  I've even considered not doing anything all together and just keep living life like I was before. Who cares if I'm unhealthy? It's not effecting them, just me!  Ultimately, I told myself that this is the right thing for me.  I have tried so many other times before to do this on my own and failed. I know that with this tool, I will loose the weight.  I just have to get my mind to the point where I won't self-sabotage and change the outcome.  I have to get my brain to the point where it only sees food as fuel and not a reward or comfort.  This is a lot easier said than done, because my brain has been in that mode since I was a kid.  It seems that mental hurdles are always the hardest to jump.

I know that this will happen in time, as well as reaching my goal weight will.  I'm just so ready to reach that goal, that I wish it could happen overnight.  But alas, it will be a long journey, and I just have to make sure I'm prepared for it.  I'm just going to pretend I'm Frodo and my weight loss goal is Gollum's "Precious".  It's an adventure I will have to fight my way through, but I will overcome in the end! Maybe that's not a good analogy, I mean he does end up wounded and goes to some "land of the elves" crap because he's dead, or dying, and he leaves all his friends behind...oh well, you get my point! (I hope, lol!)

A Little Scare...

I swear, my anxiety can really get the best of me sometimes.  It REALLY got to me on Saturday, and I almost had a panic attack, but thankfully I was able to hold myself back and keep marginally calm.  I was all in a tizzy because a previous health issue was raising it's ugly head again.  As some of you may know, I had a minor surgery back in July for a fistula.  For those of you who aren't privy to this condition, it's really gross and I'm about to describe it, so you may want to turn back now.  You've been warned!

It started out as a abscess on my butt.  That's bad enough on it's own!  It was super painful and was right on the part of my cheek that I sit on, so I constantly felt like I was sitting on a hot coal.  When the abscess raised above the skin, it was basically the size of a golf ball and I couldn't sit down anymore.  I went to Texas Med Clinic (which I do NOT recommend to anyone, it's too expensive and full of quacks!) and they drained it and told me I needed to see a colon and rectal surgeon as soon as possible.  The next day, I met the best doctor ever, Dr. Seema Izfar.  She did an exam and found out that I had two fistulas that had developed.  A fistula is basically a tunnel that forms inside your body that connects a pocket of infection to an opening on the skin.  These "special" fistulas that I had where forming in the anal cavity and opening on my butt cheek.  SO GROSS AND SO UNCOMFORTABLE!

It's actually taking me a lot of guts to explain this, because I was so uncomfortable with it at first and didn't want people to think that I had them because I was dirty and unhygienic.  But while talking to my doctor she eased my mind and let me know that it can happen to anyone, with any hygiene regimen. It can even develop from an ingrown hair or a clogged sweat gland. After the exam, she told me I would have to have surgery to get the tunnels closed up.  I swallowed my anxiety and pride and agreed to surgery, and after about a week of recovery, I felt great and have felt great ever since then without any complications.  Well, until Tuesday of last week.  On Tuesday morning I felt a little uncomfortable when sitting, which was how the last abscess started.  I blew it off hoping that it was nothing, and that I was just psyching myself out.  By Thursday, I was sure I was getting another abscess.  It was hard to sit for a long period of time and when I stood up and walked around it hurt a bit.  Friday, was worse, and I felt a little feverish in the morning, but went to work and stuck it out like a trooper knowing that these things kinda have to progress on their own and eventually it would burst and I would feel better.  I did however schedule an appointment with Dr. Izfar on Monday to have her check it out.  I wasn't going to stay home that night, because I had a date (which was amazing, with an amazing guy) and I miraculously forgot all about the pain completely while that was going on!

Saturday, I had to work. So, I went in but I felt horrible all day, I was hurting and had a pretty bad fever. I started to freak out a bit, because of my anxiety.  I started thinking the worst, that I would have to have surgery again, that I would keep me from getting m Gastric Bypass this year, and on and on and on.  I couldn't get my brain to stop, so I just cried.  I locked the door to the office, sat down in my boss's office and just let it go and cried for a good 5 minutes.  I felt better after that and gathered myself together for the rest of the day.  I cried a bit more that night on the way to my sister's house, mainly because I was in pain, but I kept reminding myself that I was okay, and that I will be fine no matter what the outcome was.  You have to remind your brain, when you have anxiety, that the world is not ending right now, that you will be okay eventually.  I was headed to my sister's house that night for my niece's birthday, which I didn't want to miss, so I went but took it easy.  By the time I got home that night I was feeling a little better, my fever had broke and I went to bed early.  When I woke up Sunday, I couldn't hardly move it hurt so bad.  I got up and took a sitz bath, where you basically sit in hot water to ease the pain.  I was sitting in the hot water for about 5 seconds and finally it burst! Instantly I felt sooooo much better.  The pain was gone, and my fever, which had returned overnight, broke about 5 minutes later.  The rest of the day, I took it easy, laid in bed and watched movies to keep my mind occupied.

This morning I went to the doctor, I'm still a little sore today, but so much better.  She did another exam and said that she didn't think the fistula is reforming, that it may just be another unrelated abscess.  She said it's good that it came and went so quickly.  The last one I had lasted about 2 months before it got really bad and I had to have it drained.  She wants me to come back in a couple of weeks to follow up, so I'm praying hard that it's not another fistula in the making, and that I won't have to go under the knife again for that.  All of this business sucks...A LOT...but, had I not met Dr. Izfar, I don't think I would be getting the surgery.  She's the one who mentioned Gastric Bypass to be and referred me to Dr. Pilcher.  No other doctor had ever talked to me about Gastric Bypass.  They would mention that my weight was an issue, but never really say that they thought it could be an option for me.  Dr. Izfar was the first one to mention it to me and ease me into the idea.  She truly is a great doctor and makes me feel super comfortable and at ease, and I think she genuinely cares about my well being.  It's nice to have a doctor that honest and caring. She really helped put me at ease today and I needed that so badly!