Wooooooah I'm halfway there!!!

Actually a bit more than halfway, but who's counting (I am)!

Can I just say that this has been incredible so far? I am beyond elated that I decided to make this change in my life. Making the decision to have gastric bypass has changed my life so much and has been so rewarding in so many aspects in my life, the least of which is weight loss.  I mean, sure, that's a huge part of it, but so much more of me has changed for the better.

Let me break all this awesomeness down for you all.
1. Confidence:
I have so much more confidence in myself.  And it's not because my appearance has changed, it's because I made the decision to change my life.  The fact that I jumped this big hurdle to undergo surgery to improve my health showed me that I am so much stronger than I was a year ago.  If I can do this and get through surgery, then I can do anything.  I don't care what other people think about my life or me or how I look, because I love the choices I have made, and I love me and that's all that matters. Without those barriers of doubt, I now walk into a room proud of who I am and what I have done.  Walking onto a plane and sitting next to a skinny person who glares at me is no longer an issue. The glares just seem pathetic and kinda make me laugh to myself thinking, "if you only knew".

2. Strength:
Because I have been working out, I've got muscles that I never knew existed. I can go harder, longer, faster than I ever could before and I am amazed each time I step off the elliptical, each time I get off the ab cruncher machine, each time I wipe all the sweat off my brow, that I DID that! It makes me want to do more and I never thought I'd be that person.

3. Control:
I had no idea going into this how much more control over my life I would have.  I feel like just in changing my daily routine, with diet, exercise and medications, that I would end up feeling in control of everything else, especially my emotions.  It seems as though once I got control over what I was eating, other things started falling into place.  Before I had my surgery, I would binge eat out of control, and it was usually when my emotions were at their worst.  If my depression was on high alert, it was a whole large pizza, and bread sticks, and a 2 liter of soda, and probably some ice cream... Now that I my stomach won't let me over eat, I control how much I put into my body. By having control over that, I feel like I have learned moderation, and can moderate my emotions better.  As a matter of fact, I have been off my anti-depressants since a month after my surgery, and haven't had a single panic attack in 6 months.  I can't even tell you how relieved this makes me feel.

I just can't believe how much has changed in the last 6 months, and I can't wait for more changes. This is the best decision I have ever made in my life.  EVER!

Start Weight: 451 lbs.
Weight at Surgery 12/10/13: 428 lbs.
Current Weight: 293 lbs.
Total Weight Lost: 158 lbs.
Current Mood: Happy

Pounds Aren't All I Am Loosing

It seems when everything is going great, there has to be one thing that goes wrong. I swear it's an unwritten law of physics.  Now, I know this problem may not seem like such an issue but it's driving me batty! I knew it was going to happen too, but I still don't like it.  So what is the problem? I've been loosing my hair for 2 months now.

I have thick hair to begin with, so I'm used to hairs falling out on a daily basis anyway. I wash my hair every other day and when I wash it, I'm usually cleaning the drain. However this hair loss is ridiculous! When I wash my hair now, I'm cleaning the drain about 3 times per shower. My brush becomes a hair ball after 3 days.  When I blow dry it, I pull another handful out when I run my fingers through my hair.  It's really starting to make me panic.  I guess I just really started appreciating how nice it is to have thick hair, and I'm starting to miss it.  I know this will stop in a couple months, but it's been a couple months already and I'm tired of this.  I'm tired of having to check my clothes every 20 minutes to pick 5-10 hairs off my shoulders. Plus there's the whole prospect of when the hair grows back in.  I will have little short baby hairs of new growth all over, it's just going to be odd looking while I am trying to grow my hair out.  I suppose I will just have to cut it short when it stops failing out, but I don't wanna. :(

I'm trying my best not to panic and remind myself that this is temporary and all just a part of the journey.  It could be so much worse and I'm grateful that it isn't.  If this is the only complication I have had so far, that's fine with me.  I'll see the doctor on Tuesday and I will ask him what he thinks I should do, or if I should try other vitamins like Biotin, or protein treatment shampoos.  I'll keep you posted on how that goes!

In other news, I am about to go on a big trip to go see my Big Is Beauty Project girls! I'm going to get on a plane and fly all the way up to Missoula, Montana!  Caitlin is graduating from college and I can't wait to be there to cheer her on.  I am so proud of that woman! I'm so excited to see her and the BIBP girls that I can't hardly stand it!  I'm also very interested to see how flying feels now that I have a smaller butt to squeeze in the seats. Flying isn't much fun for me anyway, but it really isn't when you are as big as I was.  You get a lot of stares and judgmental looks, attitude from flight attendant when you ask for a seat belt extender, and the best is the terrified look from the person who was lucky enough to sit next to you. We'll see how much this has changed, or if it hasn't.

Start Weight: 451 lbs.
Weight at Surgery 12/10/13: 428 lbs.
Current Weight: 313 lbs.
Total Weight Lost: 138 lbs.
Current Mood: Frustrated

1st Milestone Reached...

I haven't written in while, but it's mainly because I was going through a couple crazy weeks.  I was dealing with a two week long plateau that was driving me crazy! I know in a major weight loss journey I will hit plateaus a few times, but being aware doesn't mean it's any easier to deal with. You doubt your ability, you question everything that you eat, you wonder if you are getting enough exercise, and you are just downright frustrated.  Being on the other side of it now, of course it all seem so silly because...

As of this morning, at 8:00 am, I officially reached my first milestone! I have dropped 101 lbs!!! WHAT?!?!?! 101. Freaking. Pounds. I cannot begin to say how elated I am, and how proud of myself I am at this moment! It especially feels good after coming off a two week plateau!

I know this is the first major milestone in this journey and it makes me even more excited about the prospect of the next one. Of course it hasn't been easy.  Adjusting to trying food all over again, and trying to understand this new stomach and body are the hardest things.  It's still difficult to remind myself to slow down when I am eating, my stomach surely lets me know, but my brain is still making me think I have to eat as fast as I can. I look in the mirror most days and don't see a change at all, I still see the same body I had in the beginning, and then other mornings I can see how loose my clothes fit and see how much slimmer my face is. I still wake up mornings and feel like I'm a lazy slob, then I remember what I did in the gym the night before. The mental game is surely the hardest part of the whole thing, but I am making small adjustments every day, and learning that this is all so worth the effort.

So, 101 lbs. down, 160 to go, and much more work with understanding my new, healthier self!
(P.S. time to get a tattoo to commemorate!)

Start Weight: 451 lbs.
Weight at Surgery 12/10/13: 428 lbs.
Current Weight: 350 lbs.
Total Weight Lost: 101 lbs.
(soon I will put inches lost on here, but I haven't measured yet!)
Current Mood: Relieved

A Little Soapbox time...

I have a couple of things I need to get off my chest and I figured this was the best place to do it!

First things first, I'm getting so fed up with dating right now and am seriously considering a long hiatus!  I've had two frustrating experiences in one week and it makes me feel like screaming.  I won't really get into details right now, because I don't want to get all worked up again, and I just want to let it go.  But, I will ask this, since I'm no dating expert and I don't have that much experience, is this supposed to be so freaking hard? I know marriages are hard work, but I don't think that dating should be so difficult because this is supposed to be the fun stage, right?  It always starts off fun but I'm certainly not having fun right now, and apparently I keep finding the wrong guys, who don't want the same things I do out of it.  I feel like I am at the stage where I am ready to start being more serious about a more long-term relationship, because I have finally started loving myself fully and taking care of myself. However, every guy I go out with wants to just "have fun" and not commit to anything, which I take as, "I like leaving my options open because you aren't exactly what I want and I don't want to be alone so, I'll stick with you until something better comes along."  Maybe I'm wrong and just letting my frustrations get the better of me, but I honestly know I deserve more than being put on hold or being a standby. I deserve someone who WANTS to be around me OFTEN.

Secondly, I watched the finale of The Biggest Loser this week and I was so sad after I finished watching it.  It's the first time I felt sad and not inspired after watching that show.  Yes, I'm talking about Rachel and her weight loss. I am SO torn between my emotions on this topic, because I have strong feelings on both sides of the fence. There's the fact that TBL is a competition, and she was competing for $250,000, and in that aspect she did what she came to do, AND I have always believed that we shouldn't judge a person's health based solely on their appearance/weight.  Then, there's the other side of me that thinks that she took it to extremes when she went home before the finale and lost too much weight, is now in an unhealthy BMI, AND showed the world of impressionable children, teens, and adults with eating disorders that her extremely low weight was okay and to be applauded.  It scares me to think that a show that has always been about being healthy and fit has now propagated a different message.  It's hard to be on both sides of the fence on this issue, my brain doesn't know how to grasp it.  I just hope that she is healthy, or that she can get to a weight that is healthy for her and be able to maintain it.  I hope, for her sake, that she hasn't developed any addiction transfers, or other disorders (body dysmorphic disorder) because of this experience.  I know it's common for that to happen with extreme weight loss.

Ok, I'm done now! Rant over! 

Thanks for listening!

Start Weight: 451 lbs.
Weight at Surgery 12/10/13: 428 lbs.
Current Weight: 366 lbs.
Total Weight Lost: 85 lbs.
(soon I will put inches lost on here, but I haven't measured yet!)
Current Mood: Frustrated